Daily Fucking Thought

Life Moves Fast

Time flies when you're having fun, so if you don't want your life to pass you by in the blink of any eye, try being miserable.  Death row-ers, allergy sufferers, valedictorians, trapped miners, parapalegics, anorexics, the homeless and child laborers don't complain about life moving too fast.

Time also flies when you're smoking uppers, so try sticking to barbiturates and bourbon.

Something Nice to Say

If you don't have nice things to say, you shouldn't say anything at all.  But it's really easy to say mean things in a veiled way that seems nice.  For instance, saying she's a "character" is a nice way to her OCD is crippling or she eats lipstick, saying he's the "life of the party" means he drinks too much whiskey and hits on his own daughters and saying someone is a "one of a kind" means you probably wouldn't hang out with her if your kids weren't in the same juvie.

It also helps if you say these things with air quotes or follow it up with a subtle "if you know what I mean." 

The Best Medicine

Laughter isn't the best medicine because laughter can't halt an allergic reaction or dry up that infection that's been brewing for months.  In a less literal sense, laughter doesn't bring your boyfriend back or help you lose 20 lbs before your reunion.

The best medicine is whiskey or meditation - anything that takes you away from the itching, the heartbreak and the weight gain.  A Z-pack is also really handy for sinus infections or bronchitis.