Daily Fucking Thought

Keep it to Yourself

Judging others is as instinctual as procreating and breathing, so keep everything to yourself.  Not everyone's going to understand that you think undies are superfluous or that you spent your unemployment check on Botox, so save it for your journal.

The only safe things to share are your love of America and fear of venereal disease. 

Happiness is a Choice

Happiness is a choice - one you make when you decide to lie to yourself about being happy.  Even if you can't afford a yacht or regret having children, you can still wake up every morning and pretend that you're dumb enough to be happy.

Pretending to be thin or rich doesn't work, though, because saddlebags and threadbare underpants are more tangible.

Real World Applications

In the real world, some things are just useless, like algebra, MBAs and underpants.  If you have to even think about the "real life application" of something, don't waste valuable brain space on it, especially when there are NWA lyrics to memorize and Jim Carrey movies to quote.

Focus on life's essentials - food, shelter and masturbation. 

Career Paths

If you go into junior high not knowing what you want to do with the rest of your life, you should just resign to waiting tables at Planet Chicken until retirement. Choose your lifelong career before your first training bra and stick with it or else your only shot at an S-class will be at the mall raffle and no one will ever love you, at least not fully.

Switching careers is a sign of instability, weakness and often times, homosexuality.

Look for Trouble

Journaling doesn't make you a writer, just like taking photos of your feet doesn't make you a photographer.  If you really want legitimacy in an artistic field, try to rent a loft and get abused by a boyfriend, father or tollbooth operator.  Go out looking for trouble instead of waiting for trouble to find you. 

Art comes from heartbreak and hard knocks, so if you grew up with regular dental check-ups and clean underpants, you should probably look at a career in law or human resources instead.

Euphemisms

Frequently employed by people with class and children, euphemisms allow you to say just about anything in public without seeming inappropriate.  Panties and genitals can be mentioned by calling them 'unmentionables' and 'number two' can practically be screamed across restaurants. 

Don't feel trapped by already established euphemisms - feel free to be creative.  Though nonsensical, saying you spent the night 'walking the dog' will get your point across if you speak out of the side of your mouth or use a subtle gesture. 

Be aware of how much information you're giving away, though.  Just because calling it Montezuma's revenge or saying you got to third base isn't impolite, your audience is still going to visually picture you suffering on the toilet or engaging in heavy petting.