Daily Fucking Thought

Keeping Secrets

There are certain things you should always keep to yourself, like the fact that the dog watches you have sex or sometimes you listen to The Essential Billy Joel on a loop and weep.  Don't even open up to your best friend or your therapist about the dark stuff, because everyone is judging all the time, especially God - even if you tithe.   

Life is like a video game where opponents use your dirty secrets as a sword to stab you in the neck.

The Royal Wedding

It's fun to watch the Royal Wedding and daydream about what it would be like to marry a balding prince.  Going to church on a Friday, sharing a platonic kiss, and celebrating with 650 elderly strangers is the stuff of fairy tales. 

William's taken, but you can still hold your breath for Harry, especially because he's into sluts. 

Being Romantic

Being romantic means pretending to feel the way you felt early in your relationship - before she lost her sense of humor and her battle with the bulge.  The world of romance is a make-believe place where sweatpants and backne don't exist.

If you need some pointers, just pretend you're in an Enrique Iglesias video or still alive inside.

Creativity

Creativity, like your husband's patience and fossil fuels, is finite.  The older you get, the less creative you become, mainly because you drank away that part of your brain and thinking outside the box cuts into your Target and Sam's Club time.

This means if you were an especially imaginative child, you're never going to be a good scrapbooker.  Though it hurts, you just have to accept it. 

Inside the Bathroom Mirror

The person you are in the bathroom mirror will always be more successful, talented and oftentimes prettier than the person you are in the outside world. Decide who you want to be and practice through animated role-playing and pseudo one-sided arguments.  Reach deep within the looking glass to the Wonderland in which you actually have a backbone and make your toothbrush rattle in its glass jar.

Once in the real world, be careful not to take what others think of you seriously, as that undermines the false bravado you cultivated in the early morning hours.  Close your mind and internalize your emotions.  It’s just easier that way.