Daily Fucking Thought

Choosing a Profession

Choose what you do for a living wisely because you're going to be talking about it at every bat mitzvah and little league fund raiser for the rest of eternity.  People would much rather hear about pharmaceutical marketing than your passion for writing amateur depression poetry or your middle-aged garage band with a punny name. 

Plus, everyone knows that accountants are prone to emotional outbursts and gynecologists have stinky hands.

Positive Results

Even dishonorable motives sometimes yield positive results. You watch the Today show hoping for a Natalie Morales nip slip, but you learn how to get catsup out of satin; you go to the gynecologist because he's single and Jewish and you early detect cervical cancer.

This proves that if you're one of God's favorites, you really can't do anything wrong. 

A Dog's Life

If you're a dog, you'll never be self-conscious about your genitals and the world is your bathroom.  You'll never have to squeeze into tight denim pants or small talk your gynecologist when she's knuckle-deep.  Sure, you might live in a carpeted van with a convicted flasher, but as long as he lets you lick his face and keeps plenty of Snausage on hand, you're happy.   

Besides the whole neutering thing, it really is a dog's life.

Get a Hobby

Having a hobby means you'll have something to talk about during your bus commute and your tri-annual pap smear.  Going four-wheeling, chaperoning field trips or making lanolin-based soap are all things you can do to ensure you're a good conversationalist and therefore worthy of love. 

Any hobby will do - just try not to talk about masturbation in mixed company.

Being Mistrustful

You should never leave the house without an umbrella and a healthy mistrust of your fellow man.  Only take things at face value if the face looks like it wants to steal your wallet or your innocence.   

Wariness will get you through a lot of dangerous situations, like your trip to the Middle East and your first official pelvic exam.