Daily Fucking Thought

Crying

It's okay to cry as long as you're alone or in a peep show booth with one-sided glass.  Sometimes you just have to let it all out or else you're going to have a panic attack or asphyxiate your son's hamster again. 

Just don't let anyone see you - crying is the ultimate form of vulnerability, a.k.a. the death of your penis.

Happy Marriages

The key to a happy marriage is being independently wealthy, having a competent housekeeper and having a large stash of tasteful pornography.  Spending a lot of time on luxury vacations or apart, just getting together monthly, is also helpful.  

Communication and honesty are also good if you happen agree on everything and have never strayed.

Your Own Trail

You're probably never going to be as wealthy or well-loved as your father, so you have to blaze your own trail or else you'll die in his shadow.  Instead of finance, think of a career in animal rescue or pornography.  Pooh-pooh afternoons at the club and take public transportation to somewhere poor.  Replace all the i's in your name with y's, just because.

Also, try to be edgy by hating things that other people like.  Call babies ugly, denounce capitalism as lame and make lots of inappropriate jokes about violence against women.

Gender Roles

Though gender roles can feel oppressive if you're a woman who likes to change her own oil or a man who likes to diet, they are helpful if you're ever involved in a car accident that drastically changes your physical appearance.  Gender roles also help if you gain an excessive amount of weight or have a sudden shift in hormones that makes it hard to tell if you're male or female.

Emphasize your love of baking or pornography and people will figure it out and stop whispering behind your back.