Daily Fucking Thought

Germs and Perverts

Like germs, perverts are everywhere - not just in Congress and on Greyhound buses.  You won't be able to tell a pervert by his clothing or handshake, but you will notice his ruddy complexion and the shame sweat beading on his brow. 

Not all men who look like perverts are perverts, though.  Some are just Russian.

The Meaning of Life

People who contemplate the meaning of life should have their drivers' licenses and genitals revoked.  Thinking too much is like spending too much time in the coal mines - it makes you pale, anxious and lowers sperm quality. 

Contemplating the meaning of life is asking a question that will never be answered, like "Why does Daddy drink?" and "Where's the Beef?"

Sensitive Men

Women say they want a sensitive man, but start crying during The Bachelor and chances are you'll be single by the rose ceremony.  Women aren't looking for someone who counts carbs, wears toe rings or flosses regularly, or else they would have enjoyed their lesbo phase more.

It's better to err on the side of coldhearted pervert than soulful eunuch.

Tears of a Clown

Clowns cry because no one takes them seriously and they always have to carpool.  Thick make-up clogs pores, constant juggling causes carpal tunnel and try finding decent wingtips in size 28. 

Sure, clowns captivate thousands of kids a year, but so do perverts.

Book Covers

Sometimes you can judge a book by its cover, because people who have teddy bears on their back dash are never aggressive drivers and bad spellers are always selfish lovers.

This is less true with ethnicity because some white men can jump and not all Lebanese have perverts' complexions.

Personal Space

Personal space is something you have to establish so you can avoid your neighbor's Jimmy Dean breath and so the small man at the bodega doesn't touch you with his fever blister.  The amount of personal space you need is based on your cultural upbringing and how well your current dosage of Wellbutrin is working.

People who don't respect personal space are usually perverts, muggers or Polish.

Whoever You Want to Be

You can be whoever you want to be, unless who you want to be is taller and kind, because God just didn't build you that way.  Your future isn't limited by your past, unless you were a whore in high school or were deprived of oxygen during the birthing process because those are pretty hard to recover from. 

You can be whoever you want to be, especially online where no one can see your pock marks and pervert's complexion.