Look in the mirror - this is the youngest you're ever going to be.
These are the fewest liver spots and the least unwanted hair you're ever going to have. Soon you're going to be injecting your face
with fat from your own bottom just to feel sex-worthy to store clerks and Pastor Todd.
So, go out and seize the day!
Self-medicating comes in handy when you finally realize doctors will
always let you down, just like your Dad and Pastor Todd. Treating
yourself is both time and cost efficient, because Popov is cheaper than
Zoloft and CVS employees have the brainpower of bacon.
If you're not into chemicals try self-medicating with junk food, cardio
or masturbation.
It's the thought that counts, which is good news because high school
dropouts aren't exactly raking in the coin and accountants don't have
fertile imaginations. The thought counts more than spending a month's
paychecks on another Precious Moments statuette for May-Mah or than
trying to figure out a birthday gift for Todd, the pastor that
has everything.
It's the thought that counts, unless the thought is an
inappropriate one about a minor or sibling, then it's the keeping your
hands to yourself that's more important.
Always expect the worst from people and you'll never be disappointed,
surprised or incorrect. Expect Pastor Todd to ogle your
ladies, don't blink when your landlord shows up on Watchdog.com and
cheat on your boyfriend before he cheats on you.
Expecting the worst means you'll always be right, which will make you feel smart and therefore virile.
Everyone has an opinion and everyone wants to be right, which is why
you can't believe anything anyone says. Most things that come out of
people's mouth are simply propaganda to get you to their way of
thinking, even Pastor Todd.
If you want the truth, just make up your own.
Where there's a will, there's someone you can pay off to get your way.
Sometimes payment is simply monetary, other times you can barter with
what you bring to the table - like an afternoon at the club, box seats
at the game, or hand sex. Everyone has a price, even Pastor Todd.
There's never a reason to let anything stand in your way, especially when you're rich or without morals.
Positive visualization means blocking out your
husband's mocking and your childrens' cries for more milk, and
pretending that you're still sexually desirable and that you can
actually make it to lunch before popping open a bottle of Chardonnay.
Just by dreaming of things that will probably
never be true is supposed to be more effective than dragging yourself
to the gym or admitting that you're an alcoholic, just like your Mom,
your Mom's Mom, and Pastor Todd.
Positive visualization is a lot like daydreaming, but with less nudity and fewer revenge fantasies.
