Daily Fucking Thought

Haters Gonna Hate

Haters gonna hate because everything in the world is pretty annoying.  People who whistle in public, the situation in Sudan and Jamiroquai are just the tip of the iceberg of what can make you want to punch yourself in the throat.

Haters gonna hate is also a great way to disregard any personal criticism, especially from your parole officer or Pastor Todd. 

Keeping Secrets

There are certain things you should always keep to yourself, like the fact that the dog watches you have sex or sometimes you listen to The Essential Billy Joel on a loop and weep.  Don't even open up to your best friend or your therapist about the dark stuff, because everyone is judging all the time, especially God - even if you tithe.   

Life is like a video game where opponents use your dirty secrets as a sword to stab you in the neck.

It's a Small World

Like table manners and Jell-O Pudding Pops, anonymity is a thing of the past.  It used to be if you lived in a big city, you could get away with stranger sex or going to the market without lipstick, but those salad days are over. 

It's a small world, made even smaller by Facebook and Pastor Todd's loose lips.

Getting Pigeonholed

To avoid being pigeonholed, it's best to behave erratically and unpredictably.  If people think you're the "good girl," stop wearing blazers to debate club or bring a pistol to the Frosty Freeze.  If you're the "bad boy," get a Disney tattoo or express an interest in youth ministry.

Getting pigeonholed is never fun, even if it's by someone you love and trust.

Grown Men

Grown men should never quote a Will Ferrell movie or call their mother's 'mommy' unless she controls his trust fund.  The love of jam bands, canned domestic beer, and checkered Vans are a young man's game and best left to those without mortgages.

Scooting to work, buying used furniture and wearing small underpants are only acceptable if you're gay or Parisian.

The Youngest You'll Ever Be

Look in the mirror - this is the youngest you're ever going to be.  These are the fewest liver spots and the least unwanted hair you're ever going to have.  Soon you're going to be injecting your face with fat from your own bottom just to feel sex-worthy to store clerks and Pastor Todd.

So, go out and seize the day!

Self-Medicating

Self-medicating comes in handy when you finally realize doctors will always let you down, just like your Dad and Pastor Todd.  Treating yourself is both time and cost efficient, because Popov is cheaper than Zoloft and CVS employees have the brainpower of bacon. 

If you're not into chemicals try self-medicating with junk food, cardio or masturbation. 

The Thought Counts

It's the thought that counts, which is good news because high school dropouts aren't exactly raking in the coin and accountants don't have fertile imaginations.  The thought counts more than spending a month's paychecks on another Precious Moments statuette for May-Mah or than trying to figure out a birthday gift for Todd, the pastor that has everything.

It's the thought that counts, unless the thought is an inappropriate one about a minor or sibling, then it's the keeping your hands to yourself that's more important.

Man Love

Man love is hard to express, especially if you live outside of San Francisco or inside the Catholic church. Expressing your love for a neighbor or a client can be difficult because some men might rabbit punch you, while others are ready to reciprocate and adopt ethnic children with you.

Test the waters with 'accidental' foot contact and veiled military slang, because a lot of that refers to the butt.

Expecting the Worst

Always expect the worst from people and you'll never be disappointed, surprised or incorrect.  Expect Pastor Todd to ogle your ladies, don't blink when your landlord shows up on Watchdog.com and cheat on your boyfriend before he cheats on you.

Expecting the worst means you'll always be right, which will make you feel smart and therefore virile.