Daily Fucking Thought

Valentine's Surprises

Surprising your significant other on Valentine's Day says "I love you" more than any box of chocolate or hand job ever could.  Think about crouching down in wait beside her car in the parking garage or kidnapping her cat and leaving a romantic ransom note.

Women also love spontaneity, so feel free to skip your meds today and see what comes naturally.

Haters Gonna Hate

Haters gonna hate because everything in the world is pretty annoying.  People who whistle in public, the situation in Sudan and Jamiroquai are just the tip of the iceberg of what can make you want to punch yourself in the throat.

Haters gonna hate is also a great way to disregard any personal criticism, especially from your parole officer or Pastor Todd. 

Wrong Side of the Bed

Some mornings you just wake up hating everything and everyone and that's okay because everything sucks and everyone's a dick.  Some people call this waking up on the wrong side of the bed, but those people deserve to be dragged out back, tied to a bike rack and tasered.

The good news is that these mornings don't happen all the time, especially if you sleep past noon or make parole.

Be Passive Aggressive

Being passive aggressive is better than being outright aggressive because it yields less evidence in court.  A backhanded compliment is less tangible than a puncture wound and a well-timed heavy sigh leaves less forensic evidence than a ceramic ashtray to the forehead.

Be passive aggressive until you're out of juvie and get full-custody of Skyler Jr. 

Can't Lives on Won't Street

Every time you say you can't, it really means you won't because if you're able-bodied you can actually do most things you set your mind to, especially in America.  Saying you won't, though, puts the responsibility in your court and is often met with nagging, pleas, and other things that are hard to deal with without a tumbler of gin.

Stick with can't and bring up inarguable truths like genetics and parole requirements.

Making Excuses

If you don't make excuses, others will simply think you're lazy or unmotivated.  If you don't explain your failures with a variety of reasons, everyone is going to think you're just not good enough, proving your parole officer right.

The best excuses are the ones that lie entirely outside of your control, like genes or ethnicity.  Other good excuses come from early childhood traumas, history of alcoholism or drug addiction, and having any type of palsy.