Daily Fucking Thought

Looks Matter

Looks matter, just ask pageant judges, shelter dogs and women with thinning hair.  You can always try to do the best with what you've got, but sometimes no amount of shiny lip gloss can distract from your tiny teeth and empire waists still don't hide your bat wings.   

Pretending looks don't matter is sweet, like when a toddler doesn't understand war.

True Colors

Like toe fungus and your faith, your true colors are things you need to hide from other people or you'll be eating lunch and having sex alone.  Easy ways to camouflage your true colors include wearing Anne Taylor Loft, complaining about the economy and watching CBS.

No one needs to know you're adopted or a bigot, especially if you make it a point to stay sober at work.

Father's Day

Father's Day is the day to celebrate your dad and broken condoms.  Today, dads like to play golf, cookout, or watch sports, but make yourself scarce because they'd rather do it alone, which shouldn't be too much to ask. 

Save your money, because all the barbecue tools and shaving kits in the world can't bribe your dad into wanting you in the first place.

Go To Bed Angry

It's okay to go to bed angry because it can lead to some calorie torching hate sex and is better than trying to have a rational conversation when you're three gins deep.  Most of the time it's actually better to go to bed mad because if you're still pissed when you wake up, it's probably time for a divorce. 

Not going to bed angry is only a good idea if you keep a pistol in the night stand and have poor impulse control.

Aha! Moments

Like identity thieves, aha moments are ready and waiting to strike whenever you give them the opportunity.  Hundreds of aha moments can happen every day - like in the locker room when you realize most people wax or on jury duty when you understand you're all alone in the world.

Not all aha moments have to be as big as that day in high school track when you realized you just can't run away from gay.

Choosing a Profession

Choose what you do for a living wisely because you're going to be talking about it at every bat mitzvah and little league fund raiser for the rest of eternity.  People would much rather hear about pharmaceutical marketing than your passion for writing amateur depression poetry or your middle-aged garage band with a punny name. 

Plus, everyone knows that accountants are prone to emotional outbursts and gynecologists have stinky hands.

The Unwritten Rules

Life has a lot of unwritten rules, like don't eat tuna salad in the elevator and it's not okay to compare birth marks in the locker room.  Unlike your parents' copy of The Joy of Sex, you can't sit down and memorize all the unwritten rules, so you have to to pick up on the scorn of strangers.

With a little trial and error, you'll learn that too much eye contact results in restraining orders and not everyone likes to admit they wear artificial hair.

Double Whammies

Every once in a while, life hits you with a double whammy, like when your kidney fails and your lap band breaks on the same day or when you find out your wife is cheating on you with your mother.  The good thing about double whammies is that they garner double pity from your co-workers and completely justify double fisting. 

'Double whammy' will have a different connotation for Press Your Luck and pornography fans.

Germs and Perverts

Like germs, perverts are everywhere - not just in Congress and on Greyhound buses.  You won't be able to tell a pervert by his clothing or handshake, but you will notice his ruddy complexion and the shame sweat beading on his brow. 

Not all men who look like perverts are perverts, though.  Some are just Russian.

Lesser Punishments

God doesn't always punish you with big things like cancer and divorce, sometimes he gets creative with acne scarring or adult braces.  The punishment usually fits the crime, so think twice before you cold-shoulder your mailman or stop feeding your daughter's goldfish. 

And sometimes he doesn't punish you directly, so if your cat has AIDS, it's probably your fault.