Just because you were born with a penis doesn't mean you're a man, just
like having a moustache doesn't make you Magnum PI. To be a real man,
you have to own at least one piece of leather furniture, have kung fu
daydreams and be able to ejaculate without weeping.
Oddly enough, the bigger the labia, the better the woman.
If you get married, try to write your own vows so you can leave out the
stuff about being poor or becoming crippled because oral contracts are binding. If you write your own vows you can sneak in something about weekly
foot
massages and coitus get-togethers with the neighbors.
Unconditional love is really great when you're getting it, but not so
fun when you're giving it, kind of like a loan or an enema.
Doing something 'ironically' means you can get away with being out of
fashion, nerdy and/or racist. People grow moustaches, drink Pabst Blue
Ribbon and collect Nazi sweatbands in an attempt to be ironic.
Being ironic doesn't make things funny, but it will get you attention. Just ask your favorite hipster.
When it comes to meth addicts and bouncy balls, what goes up must come
down. But when it comes to your weight and completely incompetent
people, what goes up often stays up. Failing upward is a cornerstone
of American business - Orville Redenbacher couldn't even tie his own
shoes.
To fail upward, just act like a complete moron. A complete moron with complete confidence.
