Those who can, do. Those who can't watch pornography. Men having
regular hand and mouth sex don't need to trawl the internet for Brady
Bunch nip slips and unibrow fetish porn, they're too busy smoking
post-coital cigarettes and getting STD swipes.
There's a third category: those who won't, also known as Mormons.
Everything in life has pros and cons, which means no matter what you
do, you're never going to be totally happy. For every wild night in
the sack, there's the risk of crabs and for every new friend you make,
there's the chance she'll fellate your husband.
The best thing to do is to make a list of the pros and cons, roll drugs
up in it and smoke it.
Multi-tasking means eating a banana while blow-drying your hair or
deciding on your fantasy football trades while being fellated. Doing
several things at once is especially helpful when you're working on a
deadline or you hate every single second of your day and want to get it
over and done with as quickly as possible.
Good multi-taskers include schizophrenics, cocaine users and Mormons.
Low self-esteem is essentially carte blanche for everything from not
making the Math-o-holics to being nicknamed the "Earl of
Blow Jobs" to living a life of crime. Low self-esteem is an ideal
excuse, especially if you have a large schnoz or thick thighs, because
then it's more believable.
If you're good-looking, you're out of luck unless your parents got divorced or your brother got leukemia.
Giving is what you do in order to receive. You give false flattery to
receive compliments in return, you give money to charities to receive
tax write-offs, and you give blowies to receive jewelry and/or a raise.
Occasionally you receive before you give, but that usually only applies to cheap wine you re-gift or to chlamydia.
