Daily Fucking Thought

The Family Dog

The family dog is more than just a pet, he's like a child - a child who's allowed to eat off the floor and wipe his bare genitals on the couch.  It's actually easier to love a dog than a real kid because with dogs there's less breastfeeding and more locking them in the backyard. 

Every time you see a couple walking a dog, take a minute to remember that dog has watched them lovemake.

Good Neighbors

Good earplugs make good neighbors, unless you like nodding off to domestic violence and Justin Bieber.  Some people fall asleep to "Rainforest Ruckus" or "A Capella Whale Songs," but you get to listen to Boris and Katarina's pre-coital bedroom joust. 

If cotton balls don't work, consider sharp sticks to the eardrums. 

Your True Love

You are always the one who's going to love yourself the most, especially after an afternoon of romantic comedies and a long bath.  Others might try to love you, but they might get too busy with an upcoming work presentation or get annoyed with your anorexia.

If you don't love yourself, there's little you can do besides pay for hookers. 

Don't Make Promises

Don't make promises you can't keep, but better yet, don't make promises at all.  If you make a promise and don't follow through, people are going to think you're shifty.   Don't make promises in the first place and anything you do seems generous and completely unnecessary - in a good way. 

The less words you use in general, the more mysterious you seem, which always translates to more lovemaking partners.

Fear of Failure

The fear of failure is also known as the voice of reason.  Once you make the mistake of failing publicly, people will discover that things don't come naturally to you, meaning you'll be invited to less dinner parties and make less love.  The fear of failure should hold you back from trying new things, especially if your little brother's watching or they require flexibility.  

Definitely pretend you're trying new things in public, after your private coach gives you the go ahead.