Daily Fucking Thought

Aha! Moments

Like identity thieves, aha moments are ready and waiting to strike whenever you give them the opportunity.  Hundreds of aha moments can happen every day - like in the locker room when you realize most people wax or on jury duty when you understand you're all alone in the world.

Not all aha moments have to be as big as that day in high school track when you realized you just can't run away from gay.

The Unwritten Rules

Life has a lot of unwritten rules, like don't eat tuna salad in the elevator and it's not okay to compare birth marks in the locker room.  Unlike your parents' copy of The Joy of Sex, you can't sit down and memorize all the unwritten rules, so you have to to pick up on the scorn of strangers.

With a little trial and error, you'll learn that too much eye contact results in restraining orders and not everyone likes to admit they wear artificial hair.

Bravery

Acts of bravery don't always have to be as big as running into a burning building or taking a bullet for a lover.  Being brave means facing anything that scares you, like leaving the house without curtsying seven times or finally telling your husband that you're a locker room lesbian.

The bravest people are usually the dumbest people, because they don't really understand the consequences.

Right In Front of You

Usually what you're looking for is right in front of you, especially if you're at Best Buy or at the Gentleman's Club.  This is especially great news for the lazy and the wheelchair-bound.

If what you want isn't right in front of you, try making do with what's there so you can spend less time bargain hunting and turning down homosexual advances. 

Girl Things

As a rule, girls like the color pink, rom-coms and sugar-free sorbet.  They like to talk about boys, compare their lives to Sex and the City and pay people to scape their downstairs.  Girls cry easily, enjoy savignon blanc and avoid carbs like butt sex.   

If you meet a girl who likes football and Carhartts, she's probably hiding a penis or a Y-chromosome. 

Pain

Actual pain, like a charred pinky or a broken heart, teaches us to take ourselves out of harm's way and to avoid things like  fondue and lotharios in the future.  That means when a card shark from the Mohegan Sun turns out not to be a stand-up gentleman, you should probably turn off your heart for good and consider a move to a lesbian dog farm.

Life's just easier when you're dead inside. 

Frenemies

There's no reason to have enemies when you can have frenemies.  Unlike an enemy, a frenemy lets her guard down to give you more ammunition, when she's three sheets to the wind or getting STD test results.  With a frenemy, you can do things out of spite and make them look caring, like telling her very Catholic mom she's a locker room lesbian. 

Frenemies are also good to keep around because you'll have a lot of friends on Facebook, making you look awesomer.