Daily Fucking Thought

Holding Grudges

Holding a grudge isn't easy, especially if you're sober or your shrink keeps upping your Paxil.  While the propaganda urges you to forgive and forget, hold onto the grudge because hate fire fuels weight loss and high sales quarters. 

So even though Judge Milian disagrees, remember there's no way it was salad bar shrimp - Linda intentionally puked in your Yaris.

Social Animals

Humans are social animals, so even though Linda's a bitch you still have to eat your lunch next to her from time to time.  Your natural instincts might be to stay home and watch Backdraft on Blu-ray for the fifth night in a row, but you have to fight against that urge, even if only to stand in the driveway and wave at the mailman.

Moving to a hovel in the sticks with little to no human contact will only make you woods queer.

Have a Baby

If you hate everything about your life - your career has flatlined, your husband's laugh makes you want to stab yourself in the throat, and even the dog gives you the creeps - it's probably time to have a baby.  Suddenly you'll become "Mommy" instead of "Susan," which is good because Susan often debates homocide, while Mommy is too busy changing poopy diapers.   

Babies are a great long-term distraction, especially if they have special needs or eventually end up at Betty Ford.

Rock the Vote

Voting gives you another great reason to be smug on Facebook, making your friends think you actually care about the world at large, instead of just about Liam's nut allergies and whether or not the Real Housewives recorded on your DVR.   Encouraging people to vote, or "rocking the vote," is also a great way to draw attention to yourself in the name of the freedom, democracy, and America. 

Voting is also useful if you want to case your local elementary school or church basement. 

Drunken Fights

Fighting is better done while inebriated, when all your unadulterated emotions can come out without any interference from rational thought.  Drunken fights are easy to let go, usually because you can't remember what they're about and you completely forget that Linda called you a moo and told the whole bar about your abortion. 

Drunken physical fights are also usually better because you can't feel your teeth leave your gums and you don't tense up before you smack the pavement.

Escape Plans

It's important to have an escape plan because you never know when a maniac is going to burst in wielding a gun or your boyfriend is going to change his mind about being with you.  Escape plans include having a false door in the back of your closet and saving up enough rent money so you don't have to spend a month on Linda's futon. 

Escape plans are always smart, even if you live in a low crime zone and date a fatty.

Love

If you love someone, set him free.  If he comes back to spend the night at your condo, he's yours.  If he chooses to make out with Linda in her Sorento, he's a huge dickhead, especially because he told you Linda's bad breath and constant dark roots makes him soft.

If you love someone, you're better off trusting a terrorist.

Your Worst Enemy

You are your own worst enemy, mainly because you binge eat Lorna Doones at 4 am and tongue kiss any man who will pay for your Miller Lite.  You can't be mad at Linda for calling you a cooze when your inner voice calls you that and much worse all day long.

Learning to love yourself, thinning hair and all, is a lifelong journey.  In the meantime, SSRIs are really helpful. 

The Universe

The "Universe" is what people who are too cool for God and Jesus pray to, except they're not prayers, they're just thoughts and wishes that are "put out there."  The Universe doesn't have facial hair or robes and has never been crucified or risen again, but it does grant your wishes, making it sort of like Santa without a face. 

If you've given up on organized religion, consider begging the Universe for things because it's not fear-based and you don't need to learn any Scripture.

Neighbors

Neighbors are people who live close to you and see you without your makeup and Juicy on, which means they probably judge you.  Since even the strongest fences have peepholes and you can't always be camera ready, the only way to handle the situation is to be better than your neighbors.  Instead of keeping up with the Joneses, it's important to one up the Joneses.

Then if they say bad things about you, you can blame it on their jealousy.