Daily Fucking Thought

Aha! Moments

Like identity thieves, aha moments are ready and waiting to strike whenever you give them the opportunity.  Hundreds of aha moments can happen every day - like in the locker room when you realize most people wax or on jury duty when you understand you're all alone in the world.

Not all aha moments have to be as big as that day in high school track when you realized you just can't run away from gay.

Bros Before Hos

Bros before hos, even though your bro won't help you shop for jeans or console you when have the Ziploc nightmare again.  Guy code requires you prioritize those who show affection by hurling homophobic slurs over those who genuinely care about your happiness.

Bros before hos is most often enforced by your single and closeted friends.

Literary References

Reading books isn't like lifting weights, you can't show off how well-read you are by wearing a tight tee.  Unless you constantly make literary references - comparing your niece to Desdemona or naming your cat Mrs. Dalloway - people aren't going to know how smart you are.   

Rattling off the Rime of the Ancient Mariner as a party trick or leaving the Princeton Alumni Weekly out on your coffee table are other good ways to remind people you're better than they are.

Career Paths

If you go into junior high not knowing what you want to do with the rest of your life, you should just resign to waiting tables at Planet Chicken until retirement. Choose your lifelong career before your first training bra and stick with it or else your only shot at an S-class will be at the mall raffle and no one will ever love you, at least not fully.

Switching careers is a sign of instability, weakness and often times, homosexuality.

Man Love

Man love is hard to express, especially if you live outside of San Francisco or inside the Catholic church. Expressing your love for a neighbor or a client can be difficult because some men might rabbit punch you, while others are ready to reciprocate and adopt ethnic children with you.

Test the waters with 'accidental' foot contact and veiled military slang, because a lot of that refers to the butt.

Fine Lines

Fine lines are easy to cross, especially when you've had a cocktail or mistakenly think there are no Democrats in the room.  Fine lines are most often crossed between flirting and sexual harassment, buzzed and fall down drunk and curious or just plain gay. 

Fine lines are best avoided by remaining politically correct.  In other words, by denying your true feelings and instincts. 

Addictions

Addictions are like matter in the universe - they're never destroyed, just replaced by something else.  Post lap band surgery, binge drinking can replace your emotional eating and when your mortgage rates soar, you can start huffing toilet bowl cleaner instead of expensive Dust Off.

Even marathon runners and body builders are trying to make up for some sort of porn addiction or homosexuality.

Scuttlebutt

When you've run out of things to talk about because Project Runway doesn't start until next week and Gossip Girl is in repeats, starting homosexual rumors about co-workers or gossiping about celebrities makes you seem more interesting.  People want to stop by your desk if they think you've got something juicy.

It also helps deflect attention away from your own life, which is sparse on the scuttlebutt since your husband left and you decided food is your only true friend.