There are a lot of ways to deal with anxiety that don't involve gin or
incessant masturbation. Going for a solitary hike, sipping some
lavender tea or brushing your daughter's hair until it falls out are all
ways to take your mind off the fact that no one recycles and that every
meal is a chance to choke to death.
Learning to manage your anxiety is important, because like your limp,
it's never going to go away.
Having a hobby means you'll have something to talk about during your bus commute and your tri-annual pap smear. Going four-wheeling, chaperoning
field trips or making lanolin-based soap are all things you can do to
ensure you're a good conversationalist and therefore worthy of love.
Any hobby will do - just try not to talk about masturbation in mixed
company.
In the real world, some things are just useless, like algebra, MBAs
and
underpants. If you have to even think about the "real life application"
of something, don't waste valuable brain space on it, especially when
there are NWA lyrics to memorize and Jim Carrey movies to quote.
Focus on life's essentials - food, shelter and masturbation.
Self-medicating comes in handy when you finally realize doctors will
always let you down, just like your Dad and Pastor Todd. Treating
yourself is both time and cost efficient, because Popov is cheaper than
Zoloft and CVS employees have the brainpower of bacon.
If you're not into chemicals try self-medicating with junk food, cardio
or masturbation.
You are always the one who's going to love yourself the most,
especially after an afternoon of romantic comedies and a long bath.
Others might try to love you, but they might get too busy with an
upcoming work presentation or get annoyed with your anorexia.
If you don't love yourself, there's little you can do besides pay for hookers.
