Those who can, do. Those who can't watch pornography. Men having
regular hand and mouth sex don't need to trawl the internet for Brady
Bunch nip slips and unibrow fetish porn, they're too busy smoking
post-coital cigarettes and getting STD swipes.
There's a third category: those who won't, also known as Mormons.
Gentleman prefer blondes, as long as blondes like to watch sports and
are dexterous enough for hand sex. Gentlemen aren't as discriminating
about hair color as they are about jug size and willingness to act like a
common hooker.
This is great news for all you gingers out there, especially if you're
willing to flaunt side boob and don't have TMJ.
Having a purpose is more important than having just a job, especially
if your purpose is to live in sweatsuits and to give up on hair
removal. Some say the highest purpose is God's will or teaching, but
that doesn't mean watching The Dr. Oz Show and masturbating isn't high
on the list.
When finding a purpose, try to choose something that doesn't require
extra schooling or physical fitness because leisure is more fun.
When the little things in life, like free sodas and dry handies, stop being exciting to you, you've
officially become an asshole. It's the little things in life that make
us happiest, mainly because the big things always fall through, just
like Dad predicted.
Other signs of assholedom include excessive use of speakerphone, uttering the word 'chillaxin' and committing hate crimes.
Some things will always make you feel stupid, like saying the word
potty in public, texting emoticons, and masturbating during the day. Feeling
stupid about something is usually a good indicator that it shouldn't be
done past the age of 12 or that the behavior should be closeted.
Well, except for the emoticons thing because sometimes a ;) really takes the stang out of a breakup text.
Intimate, personal connections with other human beings are the only
thing that separate us from the robots. If you don't reach out and
make a friend, you're destined for a life of Netflix and hand love.
Connecting with people is easy, especially when you both watch Must See TV, carpool or have bulimia.
Where there's a will, there's someone you can pay off to get your way.
Sometimes payment is simply monetary, other times you can barter with
what you bring to the table - like an afternoon at the club, box seats
at the game, or hand sex. Everyone has a price, even Pastor Todd.
There's never a reason to let anything stand in your way, especially when you're rich or without morals.
