Daily Fucking Thought

Online Dating

There's no longer a stigma to online dating because even creepy people deserve love.  It's now so mainstream, there's a specific site for everyone, from the Jews and Latinos to the gold diggers and the perverts. 

Even though it enables busted people to procreate, online dating is good because it keeps the freaks from crowding happy hours.

Positive Results

Even dishonorable motives sometimes yield positive results. You watch the Today show hoping for a Natalie Morales nip slip, but you learn how to get catsup out of satin; you go to the gynecologist because he's single and Jewish and you early detect cervical cancer.

This proves that if you're one of God's favorites, you really can't do anything wrong. 

Paying Dues

You have to pay your dues because your boss is jealous of your chutzpah and lack of male pattern baldness.  He spent the better part of a decade getting lattes and covering up whore tracks for his boss and wants to make you suffer, too.

If someone is younger, smarter and more virile than you are, keep him in check with degrading errands and inappropriate sex touching. 

Give a Man a Fish

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish, he sets up shop next to you and before you know it, you're filing Chapter 11 and you're daughter's not talking to you because you can't afford an airbrush artist for her bat mitzvah. 

The student will always surpass the master because he is younger and therefore more dexterous and better at viral marketing.

Teasing

Teasing can be fun, like when you call your crippled friend "Legs." Teasing can also be not fun, like when you call Austin "Gay Austin" in front of his Grandmother, who hasn't picked up on the pink Ray Bans and love of fedoras yet.

When teasing, stick to superficial insults. Save getting mean and going for the jugular for public fights or a dramatic break-up at a bar mitzvah.

Preaching to the Choir

When you want to practice your preaching, preach to the choir.  They're so busy jockeying for the spotlight after Lillibet got the solo two weeks in a row even though she's new and half-Jewish, they'll one up each other to agree with you.  You can't sound like an asshole when every sentence you finish is followed by an Amen or a Hallelujah. 

Preaching to the choir also helps boost your confidence, meaning you might actually start to believe the lies you're spinning.