Daily Fucking Thought

Foodies

The only thing foodies love more than food is being better than you.  Somehow pretending to like ramps, putting bacon in marshmallows, and filling your backyard with chickens makes you more virile and worthy of God's love than your Chili's loving brethren. 

As a rule, anyone who doesn't like bagel bites is either lying or not worth knowing.

Body Confidence

Having body confidence is great, as long you're cellulite, saddle bag and thunder thigh free.  Feminists, psychologists and Tyra Banks want you to feel comfortable enough to sport bicycle shorts to the Coffee Bean, but the other patrons would prefer you avoid lycra as they're paying good money for their ice blendeds. 

Not everyone can be a size 2, only God's favorites.

Finding God

Church isn't the only place you'll find God, so don't worry if you're too hungover or too swollen to make it to Mass.  God will notice if you help an elderly neighbor empty her gutters, donate money to a horse rescue, or spend your Sunday persecuting local witches. 

You can find God anywhere, by shouting his name from a mountaintop or even whispering it desperately in a Jiffy Lube bathroom.

The Rich and Pretty

If you're rich, pretty or famous, you can't ever expect people to pity you or cut you slack. It's easier for the bankrupt, the acne-prone, and the nobodies to take it out on the more fortunate rather than God.

By the same token, if you're crippled, slow or orphaned, you can get away with pretty much anything, even arson.

Flash Mobs

Flash mobs are a super zany thing that awesome people do just for fun!  Flash mobbers help remind us that life's not all about playing Sodoku and cooking healthy weeknight dinners, it's about groovy things like pillow fights and Sound of Music sing-a-longs. 

Joining a flash mob is your best bet for making the local evening news, unless you contract menangitis or eyewitness an act of God.

Being Smug

It's okay to be smug as long as it's justified.  Certain things give you carte blanche: driving a hybrid car, Liam making the honor roll, and being thinner than your daughter.  If you're married with children, you're also allowed to be smug around people who are unwed or barren. 

When you're perfect, smarter than everyone else and clearly God's favorite, you have an obligation to let everyone know. 

Allergies

Having allergies is normal - it just means you're genetically inferior and/or God's trying to kill you.  Seasonal allergies are pitiful, but "sensitivities" are abhorrent - especially to things that don't actually exist, like sulfites and gluten.      

The excessive rise of nut allergies in elementary schools either means we're raising a bunch of pussies or God's trying to start over.

Divorces

A break-up and a divorce are the same thing, but a divorce is worse because there's more paperwork and now God hates you. Divorces will garner you more sympathy and are a good excuse for a whore year or two, but the trade-off is expensive new monogrammed flatware and purgatory.

Divorces also lead you to be called a divorcee which is annoying because of the stigma and accent mark.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is all about being thankful for your family, your health and material possessions.  Be grateful that Aunt Libby chews with her mouth open, happy that your pinky is growing back and be appreciative that you had an iPhone once before you got drunk and dropped it in the toilet. 

God doesn't give you things unless you're grateful, so pause for a moment of silence between pie and Taboo. 

Being Pretty

Being pretty is really easy because pretty just means skinny.  It doesn't matter if you were rotten in a past life, meaning God gave you a big nose and forgot about your chin, as long as you keep your weight low and bare a toned midriff.  Butter faces everywhere get just as much attention as normal people.

If you have a pretty face, indulge away.  Pretty faces buy you the right to be chubby or, in some cases, downright fat.