Daily Fucking Thought

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is all about being thankful for your family, your health and material possessions.  Be grateful that Aunt Libby chews with her mouth open, happy that your pinky is growing back and be appreciative that you had an iPhone once before you got drunk and dropped it in the toilet. 

God doesn't give you things unless you're grateful, so pause for a moment of silence between pie and Taboo. 

Being Pretty

Being pretty is really easy because pretty just means skinny.  It doesn't matter if you were rotten in a past life, meaning God gave you a big nose and forgot about your chin, as long as you keep your weight low and bare a toned midriff.  Butter faces everywhere get just as much attention as normal people.

If you have a pretty face, indulge away.  Pretty faces buy you the right to be chubby or, in some cases, downright fat. 

Hard Work

Hard work trumps intelligence and sense of humor which means even if God shortchanged you, the opportunity for acreage and club membership still exists.  As long as you put in the hours, shun tomfoolery, and angle for a higher rung on the ladder, no one will notice that you can't spell 'liaison' and just don't get Seinfeld.

Hard work will make you boring and pale, though, so if you can marry up or ride someone else's coattails, that's a better bet. 

Hangovers

God makes hangovers worse as you get older because you really should have learned by now.  You wouldn't put your hand on a hot stove once a week for about 15 years without learning not to touch it, but for some reason, you just can't learn to stop drinking and God's getting a little impatient.

He's also trying to teach you by letting you have random sex with ugly people, but that's not as effective because you're usually blacked out.

If You're Ugly

If God made you ugly for some past life sins, you're going to have to put down the PlayStation and work a little harder than your peers.  Ugly can be cute as long as you own it, by being quirky or shopping vintage.  Remember Blossom?  She had her own show.

If you're ugly, you don't have the luxury of fitting in unless you don't want to lose your virginity until 24. 

Regaining Power

If you're feeling powerless in your life, you need to do something to restore your feeling of dominance before it starts to effect your posture or your salary.  Since eating disorders are kind of passe, consider buying an exotic wild animal and keeping it caged, only letting it roam free after it's mastered sit and roll over. 

Nothing makes you feel stronger than playing God.

The Universe

The "Universe" is what people who are too cool for God and Jesus pray to, except they're not prayers, they're just thoughts and wishes that are "put out there."  The Universe doesn't have facial hair or robes and has never been crucified or risen again, but it does grant your wishes, making it sort of like Santa without a face. 

If you've given up on organized religion, consider begging the Universe for things because it's not fear-based and you don't need to learn any Scripture.

Complacency

Complacency might be the closest to happy you'll ever get.  When you're just satisfied with your wife, your corner lot tract house and your RAV4, that might be as good as it gets in your lifetime. 

Complacency usually comes after years of struggling endlessly for something better, only to realize that you can't afford something better or God just plain old doesn't want to give it to you.