Daily Fucking Thought

Your Dog's Behavior

How your dog acts is a direct reflection of your worthiness as a human being.  If he nuzzles a neighbor's crotch or barks at a toddler's backpack, you deserve public scorn, a snubbing at the holiday pot luck and a round of urineboarding.

Without exception, your dog should obey your every command, even though he doesn't speak English and you don't speak Water Spaniel.

Doing Shots

Shots are something you should only do in your 20s unless you're from the old country and like to celebrate a birth, a death, or a rite of passage with a little fire water.  The rest of us should stick to mixed drinks and savignon blanc. 

This all changes, of course, on bachelor/bachelorette weekends or if you have to sneak a swig while your kids are watching Dora.