Daily Fucking Thought

Purity Rings

Think twice about accepting a purity ring.  Sure, it may be gold-plated, but you're signing up for years of sweaty dreams about Nick Jonas and nagging, dirty thoughts about the removable shower head.

If your Dad was the one who offered it to you, it means he's thought about you in a sexual way, probably because of your new boobs.  It's a good idea to start locking your bedroom door, especially when mom's at book club. 

Denial

Employed by alcoholics and the British for centuries, denial is a life skill more important than street smarts or keyboarding. Believing that Uncle Bobby never "tucked you in funny" and Dad is still alive, you just haven't heard from him in a couple of years, literally takes away the pain. 

Living in denial is like being the mayor of your own Happyville because lying to yourself works. Though emotional eating is a better coping mechanism for life's trauma and drama, diabetes is a bitch.