Daily Fucking Thought

Lazy Days

It's okay to have a lazy day once in a while, cripples do it all the time.  Even Ryan Seacrest needs a day without work, to sleep in, to catch up on trashy magazines and to rub one out.

Lazy Days is also a popular name for RV parks and special needs homes.  

The Rich and Pretty

If you're rich, pretty or famous, you can't ever expect people to pity you or cut you slack. It's easier for the bankrupt, the acne-prone, and the nobodies to take it out on the more fortunate rather than God.

By the same token, if you're crippled, slow or orphaned, you can get away with pretty much anything, even arson.

Managing Anxiety

There are a lot of ways to deal with anxiety that don't involve gin or incessant masturbation.  Going for a solitary hike, sipping some lavender tea or brushing your daughter's hair until it falls out are all ways to take your mind off the fact that no one recycles and that every meal is a chance to choke to death.

Learning to manage your anxiety is important, because like your limp, it's never going to go away. 

If You're Happy and You Know It

If you're happy and you know it, shut your mouth.  No one wants to hear about your new, fully-loaded Corolla or your semi-regular lovemaking sessions, especially if they're underprivileged or wheelchair bound. 

It's better to talk about cancer and infertility so more people can relate.

Right In Front of You

Usually what you're looking for is right in front of you, especially if you're at Best Buy or at the Gentleman's Club.  This is especially great news for the lazy and the wheelchair-bound.

If what you want isn't right in front of you, try making do with what's there so you can spend less time bargain hunting and turning down homosexual advances. 

Teasing

Teasing can be fun, like when you call your crippled friend "Legs." Teasing can also be not fun, like when you call Austin "Gay Austin" in front of his Grandmother, who hasn't picked up on the pink Ray Bans and love of fedoras yet.

When teasing, stick to superficial insults. Save getting mean and going for the jugular for public fights or a dramatic break-up at a bar mitzvah.

Charity

Doing charity work makes you feel better about yourself and gives you something to brag about on your college applications.  Charity can be given to anyone in need, so whether you're partial to animals or cripples, you can easily find some way to spend your Saturdays. 

If you're really busy or lazy, you can do good by simply joining a Facebook group or having sex with that lonely guy in the next cube.

Be a Dreamer

Some people dream and some people do.  Dreamers live in a world where anything is possible, but doers are restricted by everything worldly - from bankruptcy to flexibility.  Dreamers fly, live in mansions and climb Everest, while doers get cancer, organize their toiletries and go over their cell phone minutes month after month. 

Next time you think about doing rather than dreaming, remember that crippled dreamers can walk, which is pretty miraculous.