Daily Fucking Thought

Mark Your Territory

Even though it's fun, peeing on your boyfriend to mark your territory doesn't really work unless you're a dog.  To stop other girls from sniffing around, leave cutesie messages on his Facebook wall, convince him to get a tattoo of your likeness or give him herpes. 

If that doesn't work, wreck his confidence by beating him at Madden or refusing to orgasm.

Bros Before Hos

Bros before hos, even though your bro won't help you shop for jeans or console you when have the Ziploc nightmare again.  Guy code requires you prioritize those who show affection by hurling homophobic slurs over those who genuinely care about your happiness.

Bros before hos is most often enforced by your single and closeted friends.

True Intimacy

Some people have a Hollywood idea of intimacy - that it's all about fulfilling each other's emotional needs and slow lovemaking.  But true intimacy is more about the day to day things, like eating dinner in your underpants, helping your partner with ill-placed ingrown hair and tackling adult orthodonture as a team. 

True intimacy happens after the lust has died, but before the hatred sets in.

Saying No

Saying no means you're selfish and not a nice person.  When you turn down requests and favors, you're probably going to lose friendships, your husband and even your children who will file for legal emancipation when they hear you pass up a bake sale for "mommy time." 

Generations of women know that true love means being a doormat, especially concubines, geishas and PTA presidents. 

Your Hardships

Even on the darkest days, when the housekeeper calls in sick or you can't get your jeans to close, someone else is going through something worse.  So unless you greatly exaggerate your hardships, all of the attention you deserve will go to orphaned children or the terminally ill.

Tears, whining, and self-inflicted wounds might not change things, but they do make people try to comfort you, especially people who need somebody to save.