Daily Fucking Thought

A Dog's Life

If you're a dog, you'll never be self-conscious about your genitals and the world is your bathroom.  You'll never have to squeeze into tight denim pants or small talk your gynecologist when she's knuckle-deep.  Sure, you might live in a carpeted van with a convicted flasher, but as long as he lets you lick his face and keeps plenty of Snausage on hand, you're happy.   

Besides the whole neutering thing, it really is a dog's life.

Good Moms

Being a good mom means always having enough almond milk in the fridge and being able to ferret out gluten from across the room, especially at birthday parties.  Good moms focus on removing joy and dairy from their kid's lives and adding fake meat and fake allergies, also known as sensitivities.   

It's less about values and quality time and more about getting Liam into the hippie school and one-upping Lexi's mom when it comes to snack scheduling.

Great Excuses

Sporting events are a great excuse to eat cocktail wieners and get blitzed during the day, just like a business trip is a great excuse to raid the mini bar and dabble with hookers.  If you sneak your vices into culturally acceptable events, you'll never find yourself the victim of an intervention or a 5150 hold.

If you don't have time to plan, just try to travel outside of your area code.