Meditation is really good for you because something about lying in a
room with strangers helps ease your anxiety and boosts your immune
system. Disciplining your mind not to laugh at the chorus of random
farts and not letting your mind wander to the reason Bob is staying at
the Quality Inn really centers you and prepares you for a day of
watching All My Children and weeping.
If mediation doesn't work for you, try yoga, masturbation or
Chardonnay.
Few things make you feel whiter than ordering a white wine at a dive
bar or saying "Salt N Pepa" instead of "Salt and Pepper." It's not
your fault that you have the same name as your great-grandfather -
no matter how many times you watch Stomp the Yard, you're never going
to krump and that's okay.
Stick to regattas, company softball leagues and music groups that use proper grammar.
Fine lines are easy to cross, especially when you've had a cocktail or
mistakenly think there are no Democrats in the room. Fine lines are
most often crossed between flirting and sexual harassment, buzzed and
fall down drunk and curious or just plain gay.
Fine lines are best avoided by remaining politically correct. In other words, by denying your true feelings and instincts.
Positive visualization means blocking out your
husband's mocking and your childrens' cries for more milk, and
pretending that you're still sexually desirable and that you can
actually make it to lunch before popping open a bottle of Chardonnay.
Just by dreaming of things that will probably
never be true is supposed to be more effective than dragging yourself
to the gym or admitting that you're an alcoholic, just like your Mom,
your Mom's Mom, and Pastor Todd.
Positive visualization is a lot like daydreaming, but with less nudity and fewer revenge fantasies.
Practice makes perfect, but unless you're Martha Stewart, perfection
doesn't exist. The good news is that you can quit dance class and math
team, but the bad news is that you're probably never going to be good
enough in your mom's eyes, which means you're likely to spend some
years binge drinking and turning your back on God.
On the bright side, when you have kids, you get to sit back with some Chard and be the one who disapproves.
