Daily Fucking Thought

Foodies

The only thing foodies love more than food is being better than you.  Somehow pretending to like ramps, putting bacon in marshmallows, and filling your backyard with chickens makes you more virile and worthy of God's love than your Chili's loving brethren. 

As a rule, anyone who doesn't like bagel bites is either lying or not worth knowing.

Reinventing Yourself

Reinventing yourself is something you do after a bad breakup or when you've grown weary of being the town whore. Reinvention is more about superficial changes rather than any actual introspection, so it's easy if you have access to a bottle of Nice n Easy and/or a fake Canadian passport. 

If your reinvention doesn't work, you can always move to Provo.

Emotional Cheating

Emotional cheating is a new concept created to make your fantasies and friendships a betrayal, further cementing the four cell walls of your current relationship.  This means you have to stop trading recipes with SallyGirl89, even though you've never met face to face because she lives in Ottawa and is 17.  Somehow your relationship with her has put a nearly "irreparable wedge" in your marriage.  You also have to stop frequenting Bob's cubicle even though Bob is funny and the only bright spot in the monotony because your wife thinks you have tendencies just because one time in high school you kissed a teammate. 

If you're going to stray, physical cheating is usually a smarter choice than emotional cheating.  You can't catch crabs from emotional cheating, but it rarely leads to orgasm.