If a tree falls in the woods, but no one is around to hear it, it
doesn't make a sound. If you have stranger sex with a busboy, but are
too
blacked out to remember, it didn't really happen - especially if you
escape herpes-free.
Blacking out is an excusable way to do
irresponsible things, like donuts in your RAV4 or instigating a hostage
situation.
Some things you just have to chalk up to being life's little
mysteries, like why men cry and how your parents ever had successful,
consensual sex. You're never going to make sense of everything,
especially when you have a hard time pronouncing your own last name and
making it through breakfast without an outburst.
You just don't need to understand everything, especially since God created white wine.
Romantic gestures don't always involve your hands or wagging
tongue. There are many non-verbal ways to say I love you, like a
bringing home a fresh bouquet of cut flowers or pressing your hard-on
into the small of your wife's back while she's trying to sleep.
Actions
speak louder than words, especially when actions lead to lovemaking
while blacked out on Ambien.
You know you've made it when someone names a hoagie after you or has sex
with you for free, sober. Other people's interest in you is ultimately
the only important thing in life, especially when that interest results
in free food or having consensual sex with their face.
If your witty vlog or one act play doesn't help you make it big, settle
for making it small and drink more gin.
God makes hangovers worse as you get older because you really should have learned by now. You wouldn't put your hand on a hot stove once a week for about 15 years without learning not to touch it, but for some reason, you just can't learn to stop drinking and God's getting a little impatient.
He's also trying to teach you by letting you have random sex with ugly people, but that's not as effective because you're usually blacked out.
