Holidays are less about historical significance and more about what
you're going to eat, how much time you get away from your cubicle and
whether or not you should brave the traffic to the beach, especially now that Damien refuses to wear his Pull-Ups. Non-religious holidays tend
to be better because you don't have to invite your family or feel guilty
about becoming a Pagan and a whore.
History is really only important in regards to sexual history because
getting dirty genitals is no fun.
When someone loves you, you can get away with a lot of bad things, like
peeing on their laptop and costing them three months rent in bail
bonds. Love is like anesthesia - painful things can happen and it
doesn't hurt until you wake up bruised and/or missing your frontal lobe.
That's why well-loved people, like only children and those with dimples, tend to be so undisciplined.
Bathroom etiquette is more important than table manners and phone
protocol because the bathroom and everything that happens inside it is
filthy and unnatural. If you're a grunter, use the preemptive flush or
hum and if you tend to be stinky, spray some binaca or Windsong over
the bowl.
No matter what, at the sink make polite conversation and talk about
anything but the horror that happened behind the stall walls.
Retirement, or the beginning of the end, is when you can start drinking
at breakfast and can nap before the game comes on - everyday. It's also when you start hoping cancer comes for you before
your money runs out and that your son-in-law gets transferred so the
grandkids quit come over with their endless "paw-paws" and potty
accidents.
The better bet is bouts of unemployment when you're young-ish so you
can lounge around in your undies while your wife wears the pants.