Daily Fucking Thought

Holidays

Holidays are less about historical significance and more about what you're going to eat, how much time you get away from your cubicle and whether or not you should brave the traffic to the beach, especially now that Damien refuses to wear his Pull-Ups.  Non-religious holidays tend to be better because you don't have to invite your family or feel guilty about becoming a Pagan and a whore.

History is really only important in regards to sexual history because getting dirty genitals is no fun.

Love

When someone loves you, you can get away with a lot of bad things, like peeing on their laptop and costing them three months rent in bail bonds.  Love is like anesthesia - painful things can happen and it doesn't hurt until you wake up bruised and/or missing your frontal lobe.

That's why well-loved people, like only children and those with dimples, tend to be so undisciplined. 

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is all about being thankful for your family, your health and material possessions.  Be grateful that Aunt Libby chews with her mouth open, happy that your pinky is growing back and be appreciative that you had an iPhone once before you got drunk and dropped it in the toilet. 

God doesn't give you things unless you're grateful, so pause for a moment of silence between pie and Taboo. 

Bathroom Etiquette

Bathroom etiquette is more important than table manners and phone protocol because the bathroom and everything that happens inside it is filthy and unnatural.  If you're a grunter, use the preemptive flush or hum and if you tend to be stinky, spray some binaca or Windsong over the bowl.

No matter what, at the sink make polite conversation and talk about anything but the horror that happened behind the stall walls.

Retirement

Retirement, or the beginning of the end, is when you can start drinking at breakfast and can nap before the game comes on - everyday.  It's also when you start hoping cancer comes for you before your money runs out and that your son-in-law gets transferred so the grandkids quit come over with their endless "paw-paws" and potty accidents.

The better bet is bouts of unemployment when you're young-ish so you can lounge around in your undies while your wife wears the pants.

Being Flexible

Being flexible is a nice way of saying wishy-washy.  Some people tout being flexible as a good thing, but those people don't have strong principles and can't be trusted.  Real men aren't wishy-washy; the only flexible thing about a Navy Seal are his hamstrings.  Changing your mind more than your underwear undermines your word, so no one's ever going to believe that you'll actually show up at Game Night or that you're finally going to file for divorce. 

Once you make up your mind about something, like voting Republican or not using public bathrooms anymore, you shouldn't be "flexible" even if voting Republican becomes unpopular or the thunder rolls while you're in Macy's.

Pets

Pets offer endless love and affection based solely on your buying kibble, which makes them better than any human relationship on the planet.  Moreover, pets offer an opportunity to practice your parenting skills before you birth human children. 

Try on different roles - the laid back parent, the disciplinarian, the dad who smokes pot with their kid - and see how your pet turns out.  If it's not how you'd like it, add another one to your family and start over.  If you mess up your pet, he may pee on the carpet out of rebellion, but he won't drag you into therapy and then ask you to pay for it.