Daily Fucking Thought

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is the day in Spring you pay extortionist prices to send your mom tulips to make up for giving her a vaganus.  If you still live in the bonus room above the carport, it's the day you bring mom toaster strudel in bed in exchange for eight years of free rent and skin flicks charged to her cable bill.

It's important to celebrate your mother because she's always going to love you and she actually let your dad copulate her.

Sowing Oats

Before you get married, it's important to sow your wild oats so you don't have any regrets.  Because apparently even though you're a moral man, you'll regret not doing ungodly things with loose women and not bedding half of the Spanish club before you settle down into a life of decency with a good woman who wants nothing more than to love you.

Some men don't have to sow their wild oats, but they usually have low testosterone levels or get into pornography.

Addictive Personalities

Addiction is a great excuse to keep on doing the things you like when other people want to take them away from you.  Claiming an addictive personality is like a hall pass for all the alcohol, cigarettes, Asian porn and any other fun things that boring people disagree with because they went to too much therapy and got lame.  

After all, addiction is a disease just like cancer and racism.

The Joneses

The Joneses seem perfect from the outside because their hedges are always well-manicured and they have perfect pitch during caroling season, but they have secrets just like every other family.  Bob fell victim to identity theft after buying the Asian Persuasion DVD online, meaning he doesn't have the credit line to afford Cathy's injectables addiction anymore.  Michael only made the swim team because he blew the coach and Shelly's still a cutter.

Before you waste all your energy keeping up with the Joneses, remember that it's probably not worth it because everyone sucks in private.