Daily Fucking Thought

Sunday Funday

Sunday Funday starts off by sipping bloody marys and ends with suckling Michelob from a pony keg, because rhyming justifies alcoholism.  Showing up to work on Monday with booze breath and a mystery facial burn is okay - you're running a daycare, not operating heavy machinery.

Day drinking has long been acceptable in Europe, and they have panache. 

The Single Conspiracy

The government gives tax breaks to couples, Costco only sells cheddar by the pound, and you can't play tennis alone, which means there's a universal conspiracy against single people.  You can't even slow dance by yourself without people whispering about your alcoholism, no matter how much you love that PM Dawn song.

Unless you're gay or Down's, the whole world wants you to couple up.

Your Inner Child

Your inner child is the voice inside that wants you to quit your soul numbing groomer job and play with crayons all day.  Your inner child wants you to trade your sensible Rav4 for a scooter and your suit and tie for a velcro onesie.  Basically, your inner child is Uncle Tim, without the soul patch and alcoholism. 

Your inner child is always going to be your best compass, unless of course he's asking you to breast feed. 

The Examined Life

If you never examine your life, you never have to tackle the big questions about why you're here and what happens after you collapse on the treadmill. Philosophers, preachers and Oprah have been wrassling with them forever to no avail, so wasting your time searching for meaning just takes you away from chauffeuring your kids around and disappointing your mother-in-law.

If you need meaning immediately, try martinis or animal rescue.

Every Day is a Gift

Every morning you wake up is a gift because a lot of people die in their sleep, which should make you choose your pajamas more carefully and stop falling asleep to porn.  Every night you fall asleep is a blessing because you didn't get fatally rammed by an SUV or fall prey to alcohol poisoning.

Every morning you wake up and every night you fall asleep is also a blessing because you were an accident and you're only alive because your mom is religious.