Daily Fucking Thought

Degrees of Ugly

Like burns and murder, ugly has degrees.  All Subarus are ugly, but the Forester actual repels sex and all neck hair is unattractive, but intentional neck hair is grounds for a mass snubbing.

Cheer up!  There's always someone uglier than you and he's probably driving a Subaru.

Lesser Punishments

God doesn't always punish you with big things like cancer and divorce, sometimes he gets creative with acne scarring or adult braces.  The punishment usually fits the crime, so think twice before you cold-shoulder your mailman or stop feeding your daughter's goldfish. 

And sometimes he doesn't punish you directly, so if your cat has AIDS, it's probably your fault.

Signs of Strength

Signs of weakness, like nail biting and adult braces, can be impossible to hide, which is why you have to overcompensate with signs of strength.  Making direct and constant eye contact, flexing your jaw muscles and consuming excessive amounts of undercooked meat are all harbingers of your virility and therefore superiority.

Demonstrating weakness and strength at the same time makes you seem unhinged, which is working out well for Charlie Sheen. 

True Intimacy

Some people have a Hollywood idea of intimacy - that it's all about fulfilling each other's emotional needs and slow lovemaking.  But true intimacy is more about the day to day things, like eating dinner in your underpants, helping your partner with ill-placed ingrown hair and tackling adult orthodonture as a team. 

True intimacy happens after the lust has died, but before the hatred sets in.

Successful Job Interviews

A successful job interview means you've sold yourself well and that the armpit Botox worked.  Your actual qualifications mean very little, because in the end, the most qualified person doesn't always get the job.  Sometimes the most qualified person wears too much musk, has adult braces or is ethnic.

Just remember to bring your resume and not to show any boob crack, because people don't like to think about sex while wearing business casual. 

The Small Picture

Focus on the small picture and the big picture never even comes into focus.  If you become obsessed with something superficial like your weight, you don't have time to think about your father's face cancer or your Invisalign bills because you're too busy weighing summer squash and starving. 

That's why anorexics are so peaceful. 

Older and Pickier

The older you get, the pickier you get.  You'd rather splurge for a motel than surf on semen stained couches and you'd rather go gay than settle for a boyfriend with outstanding bench warrants or buck teeth. 

Becoming picky is normal because the older you get, the more you learn about yourself.  Namely, that you're a tight ass. 

Style Points

How good you look doing something is more important than how well you do it, just ask the Harlem Globetrotters or Harry Potter.  This is great news for those who can't spell or draw, but can afford Invisalign and Tory Burch. 

If you can't balance your checkbook or make your marriage work, just get a pedicure or a chin tuck and call it even.