Using sports metaphors will make you seem like a hardcore athlete, even
if you warmed the bench in high school or can't find your gennies under
your front butt. You don't have to be Charles Barkley to drop a
metaphor, just stick to the tried and trues, like 'being a team
player' and 'life throwing curveballs.'
Sports metaphors come in handy because there's one to cover every situation, from asking for a raise to having a late-term abortion.
Commitments are things you make and then immediately regret, sort of
like your children - especially the crier. Once you commit to
something, say your office softball league or a life of sobriety, it's
really hard to back out without looking indecisive and therefore
impotent.
Think long and hard about making any commitment, and then choose not
to. It'll make you seem mysterious and therefore virile.
When the cat's away, the mice will play, unless you hide nanny cams in
the silk flower arrangements and ask the ladies from your book group to
periodically stop by unannounced. Some play is normal and healthy, but
you certainly don't want a visit from the sheriff or another bill from
Planned Parenthood.
Just think back to when you were growing up and multiply that trouble by 10 because now there's the internet and AIDS.
If Mrs. Mangles was right, you probably never lived up to your
potential. Dropping out of community college and never rising above
Assistant Manager is no reason to despair -- you can redeem yourself
through your children. Make them do the things you were too lazy or
too simple to do and brag to everyone at church about their
accomplishments.
If your child resists, just remind him that you were close to that abortion, so he owes you one.
