Daily Fucking Thought

When the Cat's Away

When the cat's away, the mice will play, unless you hide nanny cams in the silk flower arrangements and ask the ladies from your book group to periodically stop by unannounced.  Some play is normal and healthy, but you certainly don't want a visit from the sheriff or another bill from Planned Parenthood. 

Just think back to when you were growing up and multiply that trouble by 10 because now there's the internet and AIDS. 

Redeem Yourself

If Mrs. Mangles was right, you probably never lived up to your potential.  Dropping out of community college and never rising above Assistant Manager is no reason to despair -- you can redeem yourself through your children.  Make them do the things you were too lazy or too simple to do and brag to everyone at church about their accomplishments.

If your child resists, just remind him that you were close to that abortion, so he owes you one.

Every Day is a Gift

Every morning you wake up is a gift because a lot of people die in their sleep, which should make you choose your pajamas more carefully and stop falling asleep to porn.  Every night you fall asleep is a blessing because you didn't get fatally rammed by an SUV or fall prey to alcohol poisoning.

Every morning you wake up and every night you fall asleep is also a blessing because you were an accident and you're only alive because your mom is religious.