It's the thought that counts, which is good news because high school
dropouts aren't exactly raking in the coin and accountants don't have
fertile imaginations. The thought counts more than spending a month's
paychecks on another Precious Moments statuette for May-Mah or than
trying to figure out a birthday gift for Todd, the pastor that
has everything.
It's the thought that counts, unless the thought is an
inappropriate one about a minor or sibling, then it's the keeping your
hands to yourself that's more important.
When you stop being single, you stop trying, which means you can wear jean shorts to church and fanny packs to Sam's Club. Married people don't
think twice about skipping a wax or even debate a vajazzle because once
you throw up or give birth in front of someone, the illusion's pretty
much shattered.
Some married people still try, but it's usually because they married up or a philanderer.
Spring is when outside smells like your grandmother's neck and you
remember how fat your knees are. Some people spend spring in love, but
most people spend it chewing anti-histamines and looking for t-shirts
that will cover their bingo wave.
Spring is a time of rebirth and regrowth, especially for eating disorders and pubes.
Appearing classy is much more important than being classy; British
people freely use the word toilet and "see you in Tahiti" in public but
they have charming accents so no one takes back their Nobel Prizes.
Smokescreens are important because being classy is hard, especially
with weak impulse control and a deep seeded hatred of tweed.
If you're not British, try faking an accent, wearing Chanel or not speaking in public.
Having a purpose is more important than having just a job, especially
if your purpose is to live in sweatsuits and to give up on hair
removal. Some say the highest purpose is God's will or teaching, but
that doesn't mean watching The Dr. Oz Show and masturbating isn't high
on the list.
When finding a purpose, try to choose something that doesn't require
extra schooling or physical fitness because leisure is more fun.
The amount of times you press the button directly correlates to how
fast the elevator comes, just like how many hours you log at Lucille
Roberts directly relates to how much people like you. We have immense
control over every aspect of our lives, from the quality of our
childhoods to the weather, just ask Al Gore.
This means if you get ball cancer or stuck in a traffic jam, it's your fault.
Insomnia is actually a gift because if not for insomnia, we would spend
our entire lives either working or sleeping. It's better to have some
peak witching hours to watch girls jacking off hand weights and to
watch your kids sleep, because they're cute when their grubby almond
butter covered hands aren't all over your khakis.
Insomnia also helps you sleepwalk through your life, which is cheaper than electroshock.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and
expecting a different result, which means it has nothing to do with
hearing voices that call you Sister Joan or being convinced that your mailbox
is spying on you. Therefore insanity is mainly a malady of
dissatisfied cubicle workers and tollbooth operators who yearn for more.
This means dumb people and Alzheimer's patients are the most sane.
