Daily Fucking Thought

Attention Equals Love

Attention equals love, just ask Kathy Griffin or Joey Buttafuoco.  Whether it's positive attention, like a hug after a successful afternoon of lovemaking, or negative attention, like a time-out after killing your family schnauzer, all attention is good because at least if you die tomorrow you won't be forgotten.

The good news is that if you're ugly or a redhead, you can still get love by leading a life of crime. 

Maternal Instincts

Maternal instincts pop up where you least expect them, like when you're watching a Ziploc commercial or when your husband gets in a fender bender and just needs to be held.  You don't have to push a baby through your ladyhood to satisfy your maternal instincts, especially with all the baby Chinese girls and narcissists available. 

Even trees like to be hugged, and they'll never pull away first.

Vision Boards

A vision board is a big collage for adults that helps attract Benteys and Denzel Washington dopplegangers to poor and lonely people.  Nothing can come into your life unless you find it in a glossy periodical and glue stick it to a piece of foam board, even though most people get the herpes and 90% of those people didn't positively visualize the herpes. 

The bottom line is Oprah believes in vision boards, so you should, too.

Pain

Actual pain, like a charred pinky or a broken heart, teaches us to take ourselves out of harm's way and to avoid things like  fondue and lotharios in the future.  That means when a card shark from the Mohegan Sun turns out not to be a stand-up gentleman, you should probably turn off your heart for good and consider a move to a lesbian dog farm.

Life's just easier when you're dead inside. 

The Less You Have

The more you have the more you want, but the less you have, the more you regret being too drunk to finish your GED and the more you fight with your wife about the water bill because unless she's part penguin or running a water park, it's a little high. Money comes with its own problems, but worrying about your portfolio is always better than worrying about where your next pierogi is coming from.

Just remember that net worth directly correlates with self-worth.

Your Inner Child

Your inner child is the voice inside that wants you to quit your soul numbing groomer job and play with crayons all day.  Your inner child wants you to trade your sensible Rav4 for a scooter and your suit and tie for a velcro onesie.  Basically, your inner child is Uncle Tim, without the soul patch and alcoholism. 

Your inner child is always going to be your best compass, unless of course he's asking you to breast feed. 

Playing the Victim

Playing the victim can be fun, especially if your husband doesn't watch a lot of UFC or is elderly.  Victims usually get more Hallmark cards and pity parties and aren't expected to be happy, which means you can stop the Zoloft.

Playing the victim is always important after fender-benders and frat parties.

Classic Conditioning

Just because you're not Pavlov's dog doesn't mean that you're not classically conditioned.  Every time you hear the doorbell ring you want to hide in the closet with a bat and every time you hear ranchera music you want a margarita and a basket of chips.  It's just natural.

In reality, few things separate us from the dogs - the top two being thumbs and cell phones. 

Writer's Block

Writer's block is normal.  It just means your creativity is dying.  Writer's block most commonly occurs when you have a deadine and/or when you realize you have no talent and need something to blame.  

The best cure for writer's block is to hop in your time machine and go back to when you were young and not dead inside. 

Downplaying Weaknesses

If you're a smart girl, it's important to downplay your intelligence and if you're a tall girl, try to date sitting down.  Downplaying your weaknesses is the only way to get laid because men don't feel virile unless they're the funniest, smartest and largest person in the room, both in height and in girth.

Basically, if you want a husband, don't mention anything you're proud of.