The grass is always greener, which means no matter what choices you
make in life, a career in finance or reconstructive dentistry, getting
married young or celibacy, you're never going to be happy. Feeling
like you're missing out on other things means your S-class won't even
make you feel superior to everyone else the way it once did.
Try keeping another family in Provo, a gender change or developing an active Second Life to get the full life experience.
Certain things, like emotions and liberal sympathies,
are better left unsaid because ultimately they make things more
uncomfortable. Admitting your anxiety or telling your father you love
him are things you should probably keep to yourself, especially during
the first course or you're setting yourself up for a silent dinner.
If you must open up, do it drunk and then make fun of yourself the next morning before anyone can beat you to the punch.
People are a lot like dogs. They feel more comfortable in groups,
don't respect you if you love them too much and enjoy heavy petting
unless they've been abused in the past.
The only
real difference is dogs show aggression through biting while humans
start addiction rumors or put your never-meant-to-see-the-light-of-day
hand job video on YouTube.
Addictions are like matter in the universe - they're never destroyed,
just replaced by something else. Post lap band surgery, binge drinking
can replace your emotional eating and when your mortgage rates soar,
you can start huffing toilet bowl cleaner instead of expensive Dust Off.
Even marathon runners and body builders are trying to make up for some sort of porn addiction or homosexuality.
Unless your new boyfriend is already a friend or family member, it's
hard to trust that he is who he says he is, so you need to look out for
red flags. Aliases, storage units in other states, and a love of
children's programming are all signs that something might not be right.
Moustaches, ironic or not, are also a warning sign as most perverts have facial hair.
With today's technology, you don't have to wait for your annual
Christmas letter to let everyone know how awesome your life is.
Facebook status updates, tweets and Kodak photo mugs let you brag about
Tommy's superior IQ and your impressive baccarat payout under the guise
of keeping in touch.
It's easier to make your online 'friends' jealous because you never post photos of your pock marks or mention your husband's perversions.
Doing something 'ironically' means you can get away with being out of
fashion, nerdy and/or racist. People grow moustaches, drink Pabst Blue
Ribbon and collect Nazi sweatbands in an attempt to be ironic.
Being ironic doesn't make things funny, but it will get you attention. Just ask your favorite hipster.
You are always the one who's going to love yourself the most,
especially after an afternoon of romantic comedies and a long bath.
Others might try to love you, but they might get too busy with an
upcoming work presentation or get annoyed with your anorexia.
If you don't love yourself, there's little you can do besides pay for hookers.
Going into work is like going to a cocktail party in the morning,
except without the cocktails and cheese cubes and with more business
casual than funky fresh. Especially on Mondays, after a weekend of
'big plans,' you'll do more catching up before elevenses than in a
month of happy hours.
Your only hope is to close the office door, but if you're in a cube, no half walls will save you.
