Always expect the worst from people and you'll never be disappointed,
surprised or incorrect. Expect Pastor Todd to ogle your
ladies, don't blink when your landlord shows up on Watchdog.com and
cheat on your boyfriend before he cheats on you.
Expecting the worst means you'll always be right, which will make you feel smart and therefore virile.
Bathroom etiquette is more important than table manners and phone
protocol because the bathroom and everything that happens inside it is
filthy and unnatural. If you're a grunter, use the preemptive flush or
hum and if you tend to be stinky, spray some binaca or Windsong over
the bowl.
No matter what, at the sink make polite conversation and talk about
anything but the horror that happened behind the stall walls.
Giving is what you do in order to receive. You give false flattery to
receive compliments in return, you give money to charities to receive
tax write-offs, and you give blowies to receive jewelry and/or a raise.
Occasionally you receive before you give, but that usually only applies to cheap wine you re-gift or to chlamydia.
Futons, tapestries and optimism are all signs of immaturity. As you
grow older, it's important to shop at Pottery Barn and to let go of the
idea that the world is a fair place filled with reasonable people and
the notion that if you work hard enough, you can have whatever you
want.
Signs of maturity include a fixed-rate mortgage, overstuffed loveseats, and dead eyes.
Reinventing yourself is something you do after a bad breakup or when
you've grown weary of being the town whore. Reinvention is more about
superficial changes rather than any actual introspection, so it's easy
if you have access to a bottle of Nice n Easy and/or a fake Canadian
passport.
If your reinvention doesn't work, you can always move to Provo.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, he
sets up shop next to you and before you know it, you're filing Chapter
11 and you're daughter's not talking to you because you can't afford an
airbrush artist for her bat mitzvah.
The student will always surpass the master because he is younger and therefore more dexterous and better at viral marketing.
Manipulating people, situations and digital photography is easy as long
as you're smart. A subtle combination of passive aggressiveness,
withholding praise or mouth sex, and propaganda distribution can get
you anything you want - from an H1N1 vaccine to a free detailing for
your Cutlass.
For dumb people, manipulation is often impossible because stupid people
are usually too kind. It's that whole salt of the earth thing.
It's important to have kids or else your marriage will become like Lord
of the Flies - which sucks in general, but especially if you're Piggy.
Kids bring much needed distraction because when you're busy driving
carpool and preparing balanced meals, it's hard to focus on the
philandering and constant condescension.
Plus, later in life when your kid is in Promises for the third time,
cutting him out of the trust will bring you and your husband closer
than ever.
