If you can't say anything nice, say mean things in a nice way. For
example, a dinner that looks like a hot mess is 'rustic', a friend's
horrific taste is 'eclectic', and your thick daughter looks 'healthy.'
Smart people will pick up on the insult, but you might have to really spell things out for the dummies.
Using youthful language, like scrilla for money and kicks for sneakers,
makes you really popular with the younger crowd. Studying
urbandictionary.com ensures you won't get ripped off when trying to buy
street goods in Hollywood and your kids will definitely feel comfortable
talking to you about sex.
Acronyms also keep you in the loop, so LOL, LMAO and BRB to your heart's content, especially if you're a MILF.
Giving back is something that rich people do to say thank you for being
God's favorites. There are many ways to give back, like donating last
year's Prada to Goodwill, knitting scarves for tsunami victims, and
donating 1% of your clothing line profits to unprivileged figure skaters.
If you're struggling yourself, you can simply focus on taking.
All good things must come to an end or else there's no room for the bad
things, also known as the more interesting things. In life, like in
telenovelas, the drama keeps things exciting. Your mom likes you, but
even she's getting tired of hearing how well your life is going.
The bad things in life often turn into good things because they get you so much attention, especially with your therapist.
Most of your self-hatred comes from worrying about what other people
think of you, especially since you got fat again and can't afford to
replace that incisor. Others' unending judgment can't be controlled
unless you take yourself out of the equation by becoming a shut-in.
With grocery delivery, adult Netflix and pain killers, no one really needs
to leave the house again.
Another option is to move to a remote location where everyone's weird, so what they think just doesn't matter.
Novelty makes even the most mundane things exciting, which is why
sitcoms and birthdays are only fun when you're a kid. Kids haven't
done and seen the same things year after year after year after God damn
year, so the world still seems like an entertaining place where there
are actually things to look forward to.
The only reason most old people are happy is because they're mixing pills.
Where there's a will, there's someone you can pay off to get your way.
Sometimes payment is simply monetary, other times you can barter with
what you bring to the table - like an afternoon at the club, box seats
at the game, or hand sex. Everyone has a price, even Pastor Todd.
There's never a reason to let anything stand in your way, especially when you're rich or without morals.
When it comes to meth addicts and bouncy balls, what goes up must come
down. But when it comes to your weight and completely incompetent
people, what goes up often stays up. Failing upward is a cornerstone
of American business - Orville Redenbacher couldn't even tie his own
shoes.
To fail upward, just act like a complete moron. A complete moron with complete confidence.
Replying all is the best way to publicly show everyone how witty you
are and how deeply you care - sort of like putting a clever bumper
sticker about civil liberties on your station wagon or wearing the "I
Donated Blood" sticker all day, long after your wooziness has faded.
Unless it's accidental or completely necessary, most people who reply all should be taken out back and shot.
