Everyone has an opinion and everyone wants to be right, which is why
you can't believe anything anyone says. Most things that come out of
people's mouth are simply propaganda to get you to their way of
thinking, even Pastor Todd.
If you want the truth, just make up your own.
It's important to have an escape plan because you never know when a
maniac is going to burst in wielding a gun or your boyfriend is going
to change his mind about being with you. Escape plans include having a
false door in the back of your closet and saving up enough rent money
so you don't have to spend a month on Linda's futon.
Escape plans are always smart, even if you live in a low crime zone and date a fatty.
Just because you don't collect paychecks and have to beg your husband
for co-pay money, doesn't mean you don't have a job. You work hard,
especially when the nanny calls in sick and when your mother-in-law
comes to visit and you have to keep up appearances.
Just act like your PTA work is as serious as running a fortune 500 company. It'll make you feel better.
Being an adult means not laughing at bathroom humor and holding
yourself back from saying the spiteful things that are constantly
springing to mind. Being an adult is a lot of being the bigger person,
paying the mortgage and pretending you're over your unstable childhood.
The only way to get out of being an adult is to become famous or to die young.
Shots are something you should only do in your 20s unless you're from
the old country and like to celebrate a birth, a death, or a rite of
passage with a little fire water. The rest of us should stick to mixed
drinks and savignon blanc.
This all changes, of course, on bachelor/bachelorette weekends or if
you have to sneak a swig while your kids are watching Dora.
The freeway is the perfect place to express your anger, because you
don't have to spend Christmas with the guy in the left lane or ask for
a raise from the lady driving the RAV4. You're not going to get
your nose broken on the 405, no matter how many obscenities you drop.
Road rage is better than bar fights and custody battles, mainly because of the insurance coverage and locked door protection.
Thinking outside the box is something your boss tells you to do when he
can't figure out how to solve the problem himself. Thinking outside
the box is encouraged, even though it takes more effort, has a higher
rate of failure and no one pays you extra money.
Thinking outside the box also sounds dirty because box is a euphemism for vagina.
When the cat's away, the mice will play, unless you hide nanny cams in
the silk flower arrangements and ask the ladies from your book group to
periodically stop by unannounced. Some play is normal and healthy, but
you certainly don't want a visit from the sheriff or another bill from
Planned Parenthood.
Just think back to when you were growing up and multiply that trouble by 10 because now there's the internet and AIDS.
If you love someone, set him free. If he comes back to spend the night
at your condo, he's yours. If he chooses to make out with Linda in her
Sorento, he's a huge dickhead, especially because he told you Linda's
bad breath and constant dark roots makes him soft.
If you love someone, you're better off trusting a terrorist.
