You are your own worst enemy, mainly because you binge eat Lorna
Doones at 4 am and tongue kiss any man who will pay for your Miller
Lite. You can't be mad at Linda for calling you a cooze when your
inner voice calls you that and much worse all day long.
Learning to love yourself, thinning hair and all, is a lifelong journey. In the meantime, SSRIs are really helpful.
You shouldn't marry someone until you see him with the stomach flu or
how he reacts to a flat tire. It's also important to thoroughly check
out his medicine cabinet -- Percocet indicates a fun personality, while
Benadryl and Zantac are a sign of weakness or a possible genetic defect
that you want help weed out of the gene pool.
Of course, these rules are suspended if he has access to a private jet or if you can't afford to be picky.
You are the company you keep, which means you probably shouldn't hang
out with trannies, bitches, or tranny bitches. Also to be avoided are
those who wear velvet blazers or who make racist remarks, because that's so late 90's.
Surround yourself with smart, rich people to whom witty repartee and pussy come naturally.
When you mix business with pleasure, you can work all weekend and, as
long as there aren't security cameras, still have a romantic life.
When given the choice, date someone directly below you for the added
thrill of a possible sexual harassment suit.
If you didn't meet your husband in college, the only hope you have left is to bag a co-worker.
There's no reason to have enemies when you can have frenemies. Unlike
an enemy, a frenemy lets her guard down to give you more ammunition, when she's three sheets to the wind or getting STD test results. With a frenemy, you can do things out of spite and make them look caring, like telling her very Catholic mom she's a locker room lesbian.
Frenemies are also good to keep around because you'll have a lot of friends on Facebook, making you look awesomer.
Keeping a diary is like talking to a friend, the only friend who won't
put you down because you're naturally thick in the
thighs. Keeping a diary helps you remember how much you weighed in July of '94 and the name of that girl you kissed at the Alpha Phi Omega mixer. It also helps your doctor monitor the effects of the LexaPro.
Try to use initials or code words for naughty things, though, as your mom's going to read it if you die in your sleep.
If you sit with silence, either by not singing in the shower or by
sleeping without the TV on, you open yourself up to hearing your inner
voice. Thoughts, feelings and memories that are muted throughout the
day to day come through loud and clear when you turn off the noise.
But, more often than not, they're self-defeating thoughts, feelings of
worthlessness and molestation memories, so if the cable's out or you're
in solitary, try humming loudly.
Hard work trumps intelligence and sense of humor which means even if
God shortchanged you, the opportunity for acreage and club membership
still exists. As long as you put in the hours, shun tomfoolery, and
angle for a higher rung on the ladder, no one will notice that you
can't spell 'liaison' and just don't get Seinfeld.
Hard work will make you boring and pale, though, so if you can marry up or ride someone else's coattails, that's a better bet.
Becoming a spiritual person means you'll be more relaxed and less
likely to get homocidal when your wife kisses your sister. The only
drawback is that you won't be able to enjoy your Wii Fit and covet your
neighbor's Maserati because you're supposedly detached from all
material desires.
The pros still outweigh the cons, especially because you can hold your enlightened state over your co-workers heads.
