Retirement, or the beginning of the end, is when you can start drinking
at breakfast and can nap before the game comes on - everyday. It's also when you start hoping cancer comes for you before
your money runs out and that your son-in-law gets transferred so the
grandkids quit come over with their endless "paw-paws" and potty
accidents.
The better bet is bouts of unemployment when you're young-ish so you
can lounge around in your undies while your wife wears the pants.
Everyone has a soft spot, even Navy Seals and racists. Soft spots are
the only way you can get money from your tight-fisted father and kisses from your alcoholic, closeted boyfriend.
Soft spots sometime include kitties, homemade lasagna and tickles under the chin.
Spending time with a happy person will only make you hate yourself more
because you'll realize it actually can be done. Hanging out with
someone who doesn't have nightmares about waking up in the morning and
who looks forward to cocktail parties only serves as a reminder that
you're never going to meet someone who understands you.
You really don't need any friends, especially in the age of grocery delivery and companion animals.
Working from home no longer means you're running a pyramid scheme or a
pornographer because now it's called telecommuting and is good for the
environment. Telecommuting is better than dragging yourself to the
office because you spend less money on business casual and get to
masturbate after lunch.
Working from home is usually best for self-starters and misanthropes.
Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow, especially if you
have a terminal cancer and only have a handful of tomorrows left? If
you're going to die in your sleep or just drop at 2am on your way to
the toilet, why waste your last night shredding old bank statements or
delousing Tommy when you can watch Mad Men or do a St. Ives mask.
Procrastination is usually bad, but when you're counting down the days to no more, the rules on just about everything change.
When you're senile, rich or animated, you can get away with saying just
about anything you want. The rest of us have to use hushed tones when
telling ethnic jokes and think of creative ways to swear, like telling
the cab driver to go to h-e-double hockey sticks or calling your
mother-in-law a see you in Tahiti.
While the first amendment protects heretics and traitors, nothing can
protect you from the personal shame of an ill-received racial slur or
poo joke.
Some things are just always cute - like a dog eating tortilla chips or
a chimp bottle-feeding a baby tiger. Other things are only cute when
you're young, like mispronouncing spaghetti or making naive, yet
poignant observations about the world.
A good rule of thumb: if it got you laughs in pre-school, it's time to let it go.
Society and marketing force us to buy a lot of things we don't need,
like life insurance and deodorant. Unless you live off the grid or
inside the compound walls, every day you're forced to spend your
hard-earned money on things like gas and lipstick so that other people
can have jobs and spend their hard-earned money on gas and lipstick,
too.
Money really does make the world go round, except for in China because of that whole Communism thing.
