Holding a grudge is stressful, which means you're going to end up bitter and
fat. Since you don't want to get kicked out of carpool or make the
move to Lane Bryant, you need to exact revenge immediately and let go
of the anger. Consider sleeping with an enemy's father, boiling a
beloved pet or a subtle alleyway clubbing.
Exacting revenge is easier than forgiveness because it's more physical and tangible.
If God made you ugly for some past life sins, you're going to have to
put down the PlayStation and work a little harder than your peers. Ugly can be cute as long as you
own it, by being quirky or shopping vintage. Remember Blossom? She
had her own show.
If you're ugly, you don't have the luxury of fitting in unless you don't want to lose your virginity until 24.
It's important to feign a disorder when it's at the height of
popularity, like right now it's okay to be a hoarder or a cutter, but
being ADHD or having postpartum depression is almost embarrassing.
Better yet, come up with your own disorder - think about developing a
deep shame of eating in public or becoming addicted to wigs.
Whatever sets you apart in a unique and pitiful way might land you a
reality show special on Discovery Health, which means you'd be famous.
Interventions are meetings you hold to make it look like you care about
a struggling friend so that when you give up on him, you can do so with
a clear conscience because at least you tried. Interventions are
usually arranged by the friend who has the least going on in her
personal life or by the one who's too scared to try methamphetamines.
Interventions are kind of like a surprise party, but usually without cake and with more tears.
In the olden days, there was no Facebook or Skype sex, but it wasn't
all bad. Daddies used to be able to crack a beer on the drive
home from basketball practice and Mommies could make the kids play
outside all day instead of worrying about quality time and perverts.
Sure, there were no cell phones or email, but that meant that you could
go on more unnoticed benders.
The olden days were better because of less emoticons, skinny jeans,
and Starbucks, but if you say it too often, you come off as a real
curmudgeon.
Without great risk, there is no great reward. But with great risk,
there's often enormous credit card bills, burnt out friendships and the
shame of divorce. Sure, now you own your own baseball card business,
but you microwave dinner alone every night and you have no one to fist
bump when you make a sale.
If you don't want to be alone and broke for the rest of your life, just stay the course. Punch the clock.
In reality, you have very little control over your life as most of your
thoughts, actions and drives are biologically based. Skinny men are
attracted to sturdy women so their babies aren't weaklings, pre-teens
move in herds so one doesn't get beaten by a bully, and we keep on
eating, even when we're full because starving to death would be worse.
This means you can get away with being a fat, greedy whore who can't think for herself.
Forming bonds with people can be tough, especially because not everyone
likes American Idol and most people don't vote Libertarian. The best
way to bond with new people is to be involved in a hostage situation
with them or to witness some sort of horrific tragedy together, maybe
on your lunch hour.
Nothing brings people closer than fear, not even a threesome.
If you hate your life, it's probably too late to
do anything about it. You sealed your fate in high school when you chose ceramics over Mandarin and decided on Lehigh
instead of even considering something outside of Pennsylvania. Once
your life is on a trajectory, it's pretty hard to change directions,
unless you're okay with making significantly less money than your
brothers or being photoshopped out of family photos.
Changing your life is easier if most of your family's dead or you're adopted because no one's really paying attention to you.
