Daily Fucking Thought

The Big Picture

It's important to keep the big picture in mind because most of the small steps it takes to get there will make you want to kill yourself.  It's not fun mopping bathroom stalls while you wait for your GED certificate to arrive in the mail, but if you don't think about the E-coli under your nails, you'll actually make it to that administrative assistant position you've been eyeing on Craigslist.

Getting Comfortable

When you're comfortable, you're not hungry to reach the next level of success or inspired to push yourself harder.  After all, your scooter gets good gas mileage and you're only late on rent every few months. 

If you're already comfortable, you simply don't need to keep on trying.  Your mother-in-law calls it laziness, but some religions call this Zen.

Faith

Faith means believing and trusting in things that have no solid proof to back them up - like the safety of hot air balloons and love.  The concept of faith was created because smart people poke holes in arguments, making it hard for those who need something to believe in so they don't feel so lost and stress eat.

Invoking faith is like plugging your ears and humming in the face of reality, which comes in handy when you feel like being stubborn. 

Committed Relationships

Being in a committed relationship with rings and years worth of vacation photos is kind of like being in detention.  Some moments it's fun, like when Stacy keeps bending over in her V-neck, but other times you want to leave but you're not allowed. 

The only difference is Mr. Zoppi isn't making you stay in your marriage -- guilt, the Pope and fear of a single-income household are.

Family Get Togethers

Family get togethers require a lot of planning - who's bringing the lox, who has to sit next to Lorraine (the slurper), how you're going to get home after you hit your flask too hard in the bathroom.  Family get togethers are never called parties because they're never fun, but sometimes they are called lunch or brunch because you do in fact eat bagels or tuna salad.

Family get togethers are best for the old people who have gotten so sentimental that reality doesn't annoy them anymore.

Non-specific symptoms

If you're looking for attention and pity through faux medical ailments, choose non-specific symptoms like tingling and extreme thirst. People who really experience those usually go through batteries of inconclusive tests, which means you'll have months of hand-delivered casseroles before the doctor gives up and you can revel in the misery of the forsaken.

Just remember to exclude anything mental like anxiety or even fatigue. People don't have much sympathy for head cases.

Comfort Zones

Creating a comfort zone is like carrying your living room around with you - no one is going to come into it that makes you uncomfortable or challenges the house rules.  If they do, you can shoot them.  Other than the temperature, nothing really changes inside your comfort zone, which is awesome.

Sometimes life inside your comfort zone can get a little stale and boring, but it's better than come face to face with a homeless or a Democrat.

The Grass is Greener

The grass is always greener in everyone else's yard because other people can afford fertilizer.  Everyone else's husband didn't leave them without notice and  child support.  Everyone else doesn't have to work two full-time jobs and still have to come home and clean the toilet because Chip decided to fill it with Doritos and Sandra didn't stop him.

Everyone else has a better life because everyone else wasn't facing 40 and blinded by desperation. 

Anger is Alive

You can calmly talk through your issues or you can let passionate, all-consuming rage make every ounce of your fiber hum.  Which makes you feel more alive?   Though taking the adult road ensures you don't scream out "I hate you" or "I was lying, one ball is gross," when in the midst of an episode, you don't normally remember what you said anyway.

It's fun to be out of control and losing your temper is a lot safer than drunk driving. 

Breaking Up

Once the sex stops, you don't have to give your It's Not You, It's Me speech because your man is already cruising all the karaoke bars in your area code.  But it's harder to break up with your friends than your boyfriends because, for the most part, you don't have sex with your friends. 

If you want to ditch a friend, belittling and humiliating her in public normally works unless she had abusive parents and is drawn to it.  In that case, when you run into her pretend you've never met her before in your whole life.