Daily Fucking Thought

Pet Peeves

Everyone has pet peeves because people are annoying, so the things they do are annoying.  Not using turn signals, snapping gum and cracking knuckles annoy most people, but the sound of styrofoam, the smell of balloons and useless belts and buttons only annoy the picky.

But be wary of a person with a laundry list of pet peeves, as they are usually high-maintenance and hard to please and no one needs another mother-in-law.

Teacher's Pet

Being the teacher's pet has certain advantages, like easy A's and priority rescue in case of a fire.  The downside is most kids hate the teacher's pet, because children learn to hate authority early on, usually in potty training.

If you're not getting a lot of parental love at home because mommy and daddy are fighting over the bottle or resent you for taking away their freedom, being the teacher's pet might fill a need that all of the playground titty twisters and wet willies can't take away.

Saying Sorry

Saying I'm sorry is basically the same thing as admitting defeat.  Apologies can be used against you in a court of law, so unless you like being a loser, don't apologize under any circumstances.  It might make you unpopular and prevent you from being in a relationship, but that's a small price to pay for being right. 

On the other side of the coin, when someone apologizes, be sure to mark it down on your mental naughty list and use it as ammunition in future disagreements.

Responsibility

If you don't want to heavy burden of responsibility, stop getting older.  With every birthday you celebrate more bills, greater expectations and more life changing decisions, like whether to move to Amsterdam or become a banker.  If you don't want to get older, you can either die or adopt a drug problem which freezes your mental development, neither of which is very fun.

Just keep in mind, carrying a mortgage is better than carrying the stigma of being an immature 43 year old. 

The Good and the Bad

It's hard to recognize happiness and the good life if you've never suffered sadness and faced disadvantages.  In school, you couldn't afford to buy lunch or paste which made the purchase of your first word processor that much sweeter.  All of the times you got teased about your clothes and hair makes you appreciate the times when people just don't say anything at all.

That means the best way to set your children up for a lifetime of happiness is to make sure that their childhood is total crap.

Appreciation

Be sure to appreciate the things people do for you because the minute you stop showing your appreciation, easy street comes to a dead end.  People who need attention do difficult or laborious things like laundry and grouting solely so they are recognized, which is so much easier than paying them in cash money or in back rubs. 

The best thing about appreciating someone is that it is completely verbal and there is no concrete way to tell if you're be honest.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Absence makes the heart grow fonder because it's human nature to idealize what isn't immediately present, like what religion does to God.  You can't hear sleep apnea or smell morning breath from miles away and being berated over the phone doesn't kill your sex drive as much as being berated in person. 

Absence can also make the heart grow fonder if you sleep with other men and realize your boyfriend has a real reason to brag.

Scuttlebutt

When you've run out of things to talk about because Project Runway doesn't start until next week and Gossip Girl is in repeats, starting homosexual rumors about co-workers or gossiping about celebrities makes you seem more interesting.  People want to stop by your desk if they think you've got something juicy.

It also helps deflect attention away from your own life, which is sparse on the scuttlebutt since your husband left and you decided food is your only true friend.

True Fear

Being afraid of marriage is a normal thing for most sane people.  But, popping the question or putting on the ring isn't scary because divorce is a relatively easy, widely available option.

Save your true fear and avoidance for reproduction, sterilization and tattoos. Even if you run from your kids, they can follow you like unpaid parking tickets.  Sterilization surgery could be a deal breaker for your next marriage.  And when she cheats on you, you'll have to get that barbed wire "Evelyn" covered with something big and lame like a dragon or picnic basket.

Making Excuses

If you don't make excuses, others will simply think you're lazy or unmotivated.  If you don't explain your failures with a variety of reasons, everyone is going to think you're just not good enough, proving your parole officer right.

The best excuses are the ones that lie entirely outside of your control, like genes or ethnicity.  Other good excuses come from early childhood traumas, history of alcoholism or drug addiction, and having any type of palsy.