Daily Fucking Thought

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the best day of the week because tomorrow has more potential than half the girls at Texas Cheer Camp 2008.  Tomorrow the sun comes out, the diet starts and the lottery numbers may finally come up your way to pull you out of soul-numbing debt. 

If you are highly efficient and do everything today, you turn tomorrow into a barren wasteland.  You're basically robbing tomorrow of its purpose even though tomorrow never did anything to you.  Also, if you get hit by a bus tomorrow, won't you be sad that you wasted hours shredding your tax documents rather than watching an all new Oprah?

It Takes a Village

Since it takes a village to raise a child, you can stop worrying about how your husband won't wear pants around the house and how your mother always rides your daughter about her weight.  If she ends up smoking batteries or huffing Glade, you can blame it on the other villagers. 

If she grows up and passes her unresolved pain onto her children, she can also blame workers in the public school system or the mailman who lingers a little too long at the mailbox when the kids are on the slip n slide.

In the Now

Living in the now means thinking only second to second, freeing you from worrying about your mounting credit card debt and apologizing for vomiting in Jason's LeBaron last night.  Staying in the present lets you forget that you used to be a whore and that your career is going nowhere. 

Live in the present and let life come to you instead of going to get what you want.  You might not ultimately be satisfied, but it definitely won't be as much work.

Children are a Gift

Children are a gift sent from God to help you with the dusting and to get you a Diet Pepsi from the downstairs fridge when you're too tired to get up off the couch.   But children are a lifelong commitment, and unlike a tattoo, they need to be nurtured and cared for.  Though expensive and ungrateful, they pay for themselves if you start correctly from day one. 

If you're unable to have children, a puppy can be trained to suit your needs.  After all, they can lead the blind and smell drugs hidden in the deepest, dirtiest body cavities. 

Choosing Friends

Cultivating and maintaining friendships is a societal norm that is hard to avoid unless you're okay with co-worker's constant pity.  Put great thought into friend choices because no one wants to be called in the middle of the night when a friend needs a ride to the vet, again.

A married friend is ideal, as are those with a large, close family that lives in the vicinity.  Look for those who are emotionally stable or closed off, those without pets or medical conditions that require injections and those who have reliable transportation and no DUI's.   

Shortcuts

Life is not always easy unless you're wealthy or extremely pretty.  The time-tested strategy for making life truly easier is to mix a pitcher of martinis and hire an assistant with low self-esteem.  By so doing, you grow drunker, better looking, and more powerful in the working man's eyes. 

The shortcut to success is no secret and can be achieved in a single day.  Download a diploma online, put it in an expensive frame, stop being a pussy and don't let anyone get too close. 

Pretentious

Being pretentious is tiring.  Raising your hand in math class and memorizing British royal lineage wastes a lot of energy when God meant you to be trailer trash.  Even if you're successful, you still have bruised knees and a mom who dreams of your being a nail tech.  Your affected accent and refined table manners don't come in handy when everyone is drunk by noon and you can't even afford birth control. 

Drop the pretenses and settle in for a long life.  Consider taking up smoking. 

Free to Fail

People who don't care about themselves don't care what other people think about them.  Those people are free to fail.  For the rest of us, public failure should be avoided like bathroom door handles. 

Practice new sports, hobbies, or interests alone or work with a private coach paid in cash.  When you debut, say it's your first time and shrug it off, like you're naturally brilliant at everything.  Because despite the lip service, no one really loves you if you're not effortlessly perfect, like the Brady Bunch. 

The Gift of Apathy

The harder you try to hold onto something, the quicker it slips out of your chubby little hands.  The universe smells desperation like a dingo smells baby blood, so bury your fears and insecurities even deeper than your filthy fetishes.  Apathy is the key to keeping what you want.

If you were born in a WASPy family, you were likely born with the gift of apathy.  If not, learn apathy through most Buddhist practices or by drinking chardonnay with breakfast. 

Karma is a Boomerang

The good and bad deeds you do supposedly come back to you in some way, shape or form.  If you gave money to a homeless woman, you won't get cancer and if you cheated in math class, you will.  Known as karma, this silly idea is popular the world over.  Besides pretending that the world is actually a fair place, karma also makes all good deeds essentially selfish.

But, karma is a boomerang.  No matter how straight your throw, it usually ends up on your neighbor's roof or doesn't turn around at all.  So if someone wrongs you, don't wait for karma to be your sheriff or else you'll be waiting for justice an awfully long time.