Climbing the corporate ladder doesn't take any physical strength. In fact, it doesn't take hard work, intelligence, or free thinking either.
Heavy flirting is the sole joy of sexless executives, so choose the most powerful guy with the most kids and sit next to him at happy hour. Usually the slightest suggestion of possible sex is enough to get you to the next level without any carpet burn.
Ugly people should be sure not to do any assignment unless absolutely necessary. Volunteering for extra work is for pussies and pussies don't get respect.
Discipline is an enviable strength which basically boils down to not
eating an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy and going to the gym when you'd
rather chew off your own arm. Anorexics and marathoners are especially
adept at discipline because they hate themselves.
Though living with discipline makes you happy because ruling yourself
with an iron fist feels good, getting there is just about impossible
unless you're weak minded or started martial arts in your formative
years.
Exploders are easy to recognize because when they reach their breaking
point, tchotchkes fly and ear drums break. Imploders are more
difficult to spot unless they happen to be huffers and puffers or heavy
sweaters.
In
the now, people tend to dislike exploders unless they like drama or
have low self-esteem and think they deserve the abuse. But imploders
drop dead in line at the grocery store and get aggressive cancers
without any family history. Since you can't win, the best solution is
to become numb.
Creating a positive attitude means swallowing your true feelings. Maintaining a positive attitude means doing it repeatedly until it becomes habitual. Start by saying what people want to hear instead of what is true and soon you'll be adored and Godmother to many firstborn.
For the most part, a positive attitude makes people want to be around you - which some people consider to be a plus. Of course, a positive attitude won't prevent you from a debilitating accident or caffeine headaches because God is realistic and uses a point system.
Idle hands have long been considered the devil's tools, mainly because
much of the devil's work requires dexterity, like graffiti, picking
locks, and massage. While smoking and knitting can occupy your hands,
cancer and knitter's wrist aren't livable side effects and don't deal
with the real problem.
Idle minds are the devil's playground, creating things like
non-dairy creamer and the Wiggles. Reserve your seat in Heaven by
keeping your mind occupied with reality show marathons, speculation
about your neighbor's sex life and riddles.
Toddlers, puppies and mid-Westerners approach life with a wide-eyed zeal, excited to meet new people, go new places and enter contests. Before they experience a broken heart, fall off a truck or use their allowance for drugs, life seems like a fairy tale.
If you want to go soft, spend time around them and you'll start to think the world is decent and no one you know watches fetish porn.
If you're not the most important person in your own world, how do you expect to be the most important in everyone else's? If you don't insist that your own waves of up and down create a tsunami for those around you, how do you expect God to even notice you?
Though humility is taught in Communist schools, that type of selfless, moderate thought won't get you press coverage, a 5 series, or blog traffic.
Being funny is more important than being tall, smart or registered to vote, making it one of the most valuable attributes you can have. While everyone thinks they're funny, mostly everyone is wrong.
Repeating funny lines from movies does not make you funny, despite what fraternity brothers throughout the country might have you believe. Talking loudly about drunken escapades, creating nicknames for your friends based on bathroom accidents, and laughing at your own mean spirited jokes also do not make you funny.
Usually funny comes from being traumatized at some point in your early development, so if that didn't happen, you should probably watch more Jeopardy.
When you're dead, it's hard to spend money. Though as a general rule, you can't take it with you, creating a legal foundation, marrying a much younger man or being buried in a ruby suit are all great ways to keep your hard earned dollars from your self-absorbed nieces and nephews.
Even death cannot stop the power your money holds over everyone in your life.
What's going on is a minefield question faced by most of us on a daily
basis. Answer 'nothing' too many times and your friends figure out
you're boring. Answer with joy and plenty of information about your
nephews who, though adorable,
don't have much to do with you directly since they live in Wichita and
are too poor to fly, and they know you're boring.
Practice a quippy answer and quickly turning the question back on
the asker. The truth is, most people don't really care about you in
the first place.
