Daily Fucking Thought

Unconditional Love

Receive the gift of unconditional love readily and openly as it enables temper tantrums, shopping sprees and unsightly weight gain. But refrain from giving unconditional love as it is unhealthy - everyone should have established boundaries and breaking points.  What if you vow unconditional love and then your boyfriend got a dainty tattoo or shot a horse unprovoked?  What if he stole a pair of your mom's sweatpants or began to fear his own genitalia and you're bound by your oral contract?

Unconditional love is one of those things that seems like a good idea until you examine the realities, like breast feeding.

Slow and Steady

When you have a big change to make, like a switch to a low-glycemic diet or cessation of spousal abuse, make changes at a snail's pace.  Though the pounds and bruises will take time to disappear, the effort required of you will be minimal and manageable, leaving time to watch The Hills.  Whether the changes take years or a lifetime, at least they're getting done.

Rome wasn't built in a day or even a trimester, so there is no need to hurry - you're certainly not trying to compete with one of the greatest accomplishments in the history of the world, unless you're a narcissist, which is then probably something you should address.

Make Minions

Turn the people around you into minions and you become stronger and more self-important.  Intelligence and wit don’t pave the path to total world domination.  Act with unflinching authority and mock others relentlessly to amass minions of your own.  You will eventually gain wealth to buy all the expensive leather goods you crave.

Once roped in, learn to make full use of the minions around you.  By full use, I mean exploitation and humiliation.  A proud employee is like a growing weed and should be trodden down into the dry earth.  Don't be afraid to kill the ambition of those underneath you. Pour salt in the wounds of your minions and drink their tears.

Out of the Cube

It’s easy to get stuck in a cubicle, surrounded by the sentimental things you brought to comfort yourself and to show your co-workers some semblance of personality.  The view from those three half-walls is limited, though.  Gather the courage to climb out of your cube and vast new vistas appear, including views of the parking lot. 

Push yourself and new notions are born, like love of nature and self-respect.  Pump yourself up by reading The Onion online and reading Yoga at Your Desk cards.  Soon you’ll have the energy to gopher out of your cube and discover God’s beautiful world.

Control the Voices

When the voices in your head are busy talking you cannot hear what others are saying. The ability to clearly hear your thoughts is a powerful and beautiful thing, like a panther. Yet like all powerful things and butter, thoughts are best used in moderation.

If you become too consumed with their bickering, you’re headed for a fender-bender.  Take frequent time-outs from your thoughts and let them settle it amongst themselves. Listen without reacting, but if you happen to have an outburst like, "I can't take it anymore!" or "She's right, you fool, lactose is sugar!" in line at the post office or the bank, just pretend you are talking on your cell phone.  If it happens at work, just laugh loudly afterward and tell people you're an artist.

Make it a point every so often to tell the voices who’s boss.  They should be grateful, because if you weren't crazy, they wouldn't even be alive.

Traditions

Tradition is also known as the road most traveled.  Many people find comfort in tradition because it is familiar and simple, like the Price is Right.  When you know what to expect, you don't need to spend too much time planning  your outfit or worrying about whether or not you bought enough cream cheese. 

A lot of people approach traditions with zeal because they don't want to get written out of the will.  Traditions also require very little imagination, which is good for your family members who are dead inside.

Happiness

Happiness is just an idea people are trying to sell you like antioxidants or DNA.   The average person will never achieve happiness unless the average person lies to himself or scored less than 300 on his SATs.  Nothing is wrong with you - social gatherings, career advancement, holidays, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, marriage, and even kittens don't make other people happy either.

Some prescription pills, dubbed happy pills, promise to make you happy, but in reality they just make you less sad.  Instead of drowning yourself in a shallow bathtub you're probably just going to eat too much cheese and stop washing your hair.

How lovely

How lovely that your boss is a blow-hard – he makes the warmth of spring seem cheap and tawdry. How wonderful that we disagree – we can all speak louder and hear our own voices.  How great to be uncomfortable – you’ll be prepared to run into your gynecologist at a cocktail party.

It’s pretty awesome to live in a world filled with challenges, difficulties and obstacles.  The mentally and physical disabled and orphans are actually glad, deep down inside.

Let Mom Win

When you’re playing Scrabble with your mom and you pull out "slivovitz" on a triple word score for a homerun victory, she’ll start to wish she used extra spermicide.  When you mock her Midwestern accent just because you’re a spoiled city kid, she’ll wish she had the abortion because she wasn’t a faithful Catholic anyway. 

Stop trying to one up your mom because the kids at school pointed out your junk food titties and that made you feel small.  When your heart is filled with spit and vinegar and you're looking for a weak victim, let the victim dwell outside of your home and use a different last name -- grocery store clerks and school crossing guards are readily available choices. Find some other punching bag, and let mom win.

Practice Kindness

Kindness is the best manipulator. Kind words make your thoughts and actions seem altruistic and positive, so don’t recklessly show your true rage or jealousy. People feel less pain from the stab wound with a friendly pat on the back.

When the room is warm with ease and self-assurance, it’s amazing the way you can bend people to your will - kind of like your supple muscles in Bikram's Yoga.  Rehearse a befuddled response for when one or two smart people see through the smoke and mirrors.  Practice on children, animals, and the deaf as they are the most intuitive.