Daily Fucking Thought

Degrees of Ugly

Like burns and murder, ugly has degrees.  All Subarus are ugly, but the Forester actual repels sex and all neck hair is unattractive, but intentional neck hair is grounds for a mass snubbing.

Cheer up!  There's always someone uglier than you and he's probably driving a Subaru.

Kids are a Great Excuse

Kids are the perfect excuse to not have time for wooing or sexmaking.  Barren couples really have to face the fact that they've gotten too fat to be dexterous or let their genitals atrophy.

Kids are also a great reason to be out of touch with current music and table manners.

Valentine's Surprises

Surprising your significant other on Valentine's Day says "I love you" more than any box of chocolate or hand job ever could.  Think about crouching down in wait beside her car in the parking garage or kidnapping her cat and leaving a romantic ransom note.

Women also love spontaneity, so feel free to skip your meds today and see what comes naturally.

Your Achievements

Don't let the fact that you're never going to win a Grammy consume you, even though it's hard because singing is how you self-soothe.  You have to focus on your own goals and dreams, like getting the rent in on time and finally achieving regularity. 

Your accomplishments aren't small just because they're not televised and aren't challenging for normal people.

 

Fighting Your Flaws

Fighting your flaws is a waste of energy, especially because you're essentially a defective human being who should have been recalled.  Instead, embrace your imperfections because not everyone thinks heavy girls are whores and balding men are incontinent, just most people and God.

Your greatest flaw can become your greatest strength, unless you have tiny teeth in which case you should probably just throw in the towel.

Keep it to Yourself

Judging others is as instinctual as procreating and breathing, so keep everything to yourself.  Not everyone's going to understand that you think undies are superfluous or that you spent your unemployment check on Botox, so save it for your journal.

The only safe things to share are your love of America and fear of venereal disease. 

Holding Grudges

Holding a grudge isn't easy, especially if you're sober or your shrink keeps upping your Paxil.  While the propaganda urges you to forgive and forget, hold onto the grudge because hate fire fuels weight loss and high sales quarters. 

So even though Judge Milian disagrees, remember there's no way it was salad bar shrimp - Linda intentionally puked in your Yaris.

Someone To Talk To

Everyone needs someone to talk to, whether it be a close friend or an open-minded rheumatologist.  Talking through things instantly makes you feel less alone, unless there's a language barrier or you're talking to a poster. 

We're all God's creatures, so no one should be ashamed to reach out - not even the acne prone or the fatsos. 

Summer

Summer is the season of Hollywood blockbusters, endless daylight and shaving above the knee.  You've waited all winter long for summer, even though you're too poor for A/C and Dustin is too violent for camp. 

Hopefully this won't be the summer you get diabetes from all the ice cream or skin cancer because you don't have anyone to put sunscreen on your back.

Wrong Side of the Bed

It's easy waking up on the wrong side of the bed, especially when it's Monday and you're still ugly.  Even a good night's sleep can't erase the fact that you're a test tube baby and don't have the thighs to pull off madras shorts. 

Waking up on the right side of the bed is more about waking up still drunk.