Everything in life has pros and cons, which means no matter what you
do, you're never going to be totally happy. For every wild night in
the sack, there's the risk of crabs and for every new friend you make,
there's the chance she'll fellate your husband.
The best thing to do is to make a list of the pros and cons, roll drugs
up in it and smoke it.
Being romantic means pretending to feel the way you felt early in your
relationship - before she lost her sense of humor and her battle
with the bulge. The world of romance is a make-believe place where
sweatpants and backne don't exist.
If you need some pointers, just pretend you're in an
Enrique Iglesias video or still alive inside.
In the real world, some things are just useless, like algebra, MBAs
and
underpants. If you have to even think about the "real life application"
of something, don't waste valuable brain space on it, especially when
there are NWA lyrics to memorize and Jim Carrey movies to quote.
Focus on life's essentials - food, shelter and masturbation.
It's okay to cry as long as you're alone or in a peep show booth
with one-sided glass. Sometimes you just have to let it all out or else
you're going to have a panic attack or asphyxiate your son's hamster
again.
Just don't let anyone see you - crying is the ultimate form of
vulnerability, a.k.a. the death of your penis.
Some things you just have to chalk up to being life's little
mysteries, like why men cry and how your parents ever had successful,
consensual sex. You're never going to make sense of everything,
especially when you have a hard time pronouncing your own last name and
making it through breakfast without an outburst.
You just don't need to understand everything, especially since God created white wine.
You should never leave the house without an umbrella and a healthy
mistrust of your fellow man. Only take things at face value if the face looks like it wants to steal your wallet or your innocence.
Wariness will get you through a lot of dangerous situations, like your
trip to the Middle East and your first official pelvic exam.
Your family is going to love you
forever, or at least until you decide not to go into the family business
or you lose yourself in barbiturates. Family is there to see you through
your highs and lows, even if they're watching from the veranda with
highballs while you're drowning in the pool called life.
You can't choose your family, but you can choose to change your last name and to
shave off your fingerprints to avoid child support payments.
You can be whoever you want to be, unless who you want to be is taller
and kind, because God just didn't
build you that way. Your future isn't limited by your past, unless you
were a whore in high school or were deprived of oxygen during the birthing
process because those are pretty hard to recover from.
You can be whoever you want to be, especially online where no one
can
see your pock marks and pervert's complexion.
DIY projects are things that bored people do when they feel like wasting
money and giving themselves errands instead of swinging by The Home Depot for a day laborer. Do-it-yourselfers fancy
themselves jacks of all trades, but they're really just arrogant control
freaks who think they can become Bob Vila overnight.
Sometimes it's easier to focus on home improvement rather than your
tanking marriage and teeny wiener.
Book club is just a front for drinking wine and complaining about
your husband's weird sex stuff, just like swim team is a front for your
son's first attempts at homosexuality. No one cares if you've read
Oprah's canon, as long as your glass is full and you can relate to
hatred of sensual massage oil and scarf play.
Some women actually
do want to discuss the books - usually the uptight, barren ones.
